Another appointment, no results

Today I sat in a waiting room and for the first time I felt helplessness and hopelessness. I thought for certain that one day I would figure out the reason behind Savannah's vomiting episodes but instead I realized that I sat amongst a room full of just the same. They were children of all ages that had similar yet varying symptoms and struggling to find answers still. I felt like the 18 year old version of myself. The teenager who went in for test after test while struggling with unexplained weight loss and severe stomach aches. Enough to alter my lifestyle. I never ate after a certain time. Usually it was around 6:30 or 7pm I wouldn't eat anymore. I struggled with the emotional effects of people calling me anorexic or bulimic. I was brought back to the time when "everything was in my head". Thats the only explanation to what was going on. The other explanation was irritable bowel which is a diagnosis handed out like bottled water nowadays also. When the patient isn't happy with the results slap the IBS diagnosis. At least we gave them something. For some unexplained reason I stopped 95% of the episodes by marrying Jeff. Figure that one out!

After our 2.5 hour wait and listening to a doctor say that Carson is going to grow out of this, I still was frustrated with that answer. Savannah had moved onto reorganizing chairs turning my patience and frustration to a new level where I struggled to understand the doctor but had to try hearing him over the screeching of chairs moving. Can you blame her though?! She had used up every ounce of patience as well. I stood holding an irritable baby with a doctor telling me that you just got to wait it out. I felt like the crazy mom. I was worrying about my child that hadn't grown ANY in 6+ months. I had the doctor telling me that he just grew really fast the first 4 months and is now plataeuing. Really?! I'm a concerned mother that just isn't buying that. It is NOT normal for a child to not have grown even an inch in 6 months in the second half of his first year. It is not normal for a child to be fluctuating from 19.1 lbs to 18.8 lbs every 3 months. Does he "look" healthy? Yes. I'm looking to be proactive and not reactive. I don't want to get to 15 months and still no change. At that time he wouldn't be on the charts. I could very well be wrong. I could very well be the overactive mother. I think anyone would be doing the same thing if they were in my shoes. You would most likely be questioning why your child hasn't grown.

What changed in Carson? I have no idea. I don't recognize this baby anymore. It all started at 6 months. Something in him switched and it seems with each passing month it gradually is becoming more bothersome to him. Before leaving for MN/WI in August, Carson was sleeping through the night. He maybe woke up once per night per week but other than that he was the happiest baby. I could lay him in his crib and he would chatter himself to sleep. It had been like that since 4 months or May. I was delighted to have a baby that was so differing from my earlier years with Savannah. Jeff and I would comment about how much things had changed from the first time around. We were thrilled/blessed to finally been given a baby we could really enjoy. Ever since middle of September when we came back from vacation he has been more irritable. He doesn't sleep through the night. He does the opposite of everything he used to do. He still does smile and chat up a storm. I used to wake to a baby in the monitor talking to his mobile animals. Now I wake to a screaming child and I can't get to him fast enough. Some days its not just fussing but screaming. If he wakes up in the middle of the night,  which is most nights now, he used to nurse then go right back down. Now he just screams when I lay him back down while arching his back.

Today I realized that I'm among a group of moms that fear the next time their child is going to vomit. They are always wondering when the next time is coming in the back of their head. I used to think I was the only one who was thinking that. For example, I'm thinking about going to the library tomorrow. I'm hoping for a good night and that she doesn't wake up vomiting. That's all thats on my mind. We missed going to the zoo last Monday on the  3rd because she woke up the night prior with one of her spells. I could actually sense it coming on. I can't even tell you how I knew for sure. If I don't know how I knew for sure, how am I going to explain that to the doctor. He will probably say she is just picking up viruses. *sigh* Only God knows what exactly is going on in these little people's bodies. He made them to his liking in his image.

A "happy spitter" or a "scrawny screamer"

Carson has also been classified as a "happy spitter". When he was younger he would spit up and when people would make comments about it, I would just respond with the old phrase 'thats Carson.' At his 4 month check up he was 19.1 lbs and 27 inches. At his 6 month check up he was 18.8 lbs and 27 inches. I figured the weight loss was due to being a roller now. He rolled, crawled, and furniture walk months before his sister did. At his 9 month check up he was 19.1 lbs and 27 inches. I hadn't read through his baby book to remind myself of his last check ups but that number sounded awfully familiar. With the move, we didn't have his weight records as they do not fax that information. If we wanted any records besides immunizations we would have to get them printed off and pay for them ourselves. I just did my best to go through Carson's previous 9 months of life with what I had in his baby book. I hadn't found his 4 month record sheet so I didn't have that with me when I went for his well child.

When filling in Grandparents and other people about Carson's 9 month stats there was something that wasn't sitting right when I kept saying he hadn't grown for a few months. I couldn't remember the exact amount of months it had been. I was thinking since 4 months but didn't have the hard evidence in front of me and since the doctors didn't have his growth chart she just said we will watch it till a year. I mentioned that at 9 months he was still spitting up quite a bit so the doctor did decide to put him on a different acid reflux medicine since the Ranindine (Zantac) wasn't cutting it. We were now put on Prevacid and to give it to him once a day. The spitting up got better for about a day then we were right back at square one. Actually maybe square negative 2. I only gave him 5 doses hoping that it would get better with each dose. Jeff finally made the comment to me after listening to a screaming baby crawling after me everywhere in the kitchen "is it just me, or is he spitting up more?" Sometimes it takes someone on the outside to really shine a light. I was busy making excuses and trying to follow what the doctor was prescribing. Jeff made that comment on Tuesday so I decided I needed to call up my Aunt Rose for further investigation. My head was spinning at what to do and IF this really was acid reflux. After talking with her and throwing around a couple diagnosis's I decided I needed to get him into the pediatrician again to have a further look. Something just wasn't clicking.

I called at exactly 9:01am (one minute after the clinic opened) and the person before me had just taken the last appointment for the pediatrician we had seen prior. She gave me an appointment with another pediatrician and little did I know that it would be one of the best mistakes that would happen thus far. The nurses put him on a table where they take stats before going into the room. I asked if they needed me to undress him for the weight. They said no since they had just taken it on Friday, 5 days prior. I looked down at the scale that read 19.1 lbs and my heart sank. I turned to them and said we need a weight. He's lost weight since Friday. His true weight was 18.8 lbs. He had lost 6 ozs in 5 days. I felt so terrible as a mom that I had given him so much of that medicine. It WAS making him worse. When the doctor looked at the weights that I had written down she said something wasn't right.

 

 

Finally we were going to get some answers. She thoroughly examined him to realize he was "filled". His stomach and intestines were full. An x-ray also confirmed that. When returning to the room after the x-ray another doctor examined him to see if our current doctor was coming up with the same idea. We were scheduled for another x-ray at Children's Hospital for the following morning to watch him digest his food. They wanted to be assured that he had no blockages in the path causing him to reflux all the food and not absorb it.

 

I felt like such a bad mom for not realizing that he doesn't wet his diapers as much as Savannah. I just kept telling myself that he will eventually stop spitting up not even realizing that Savannah had stopped long before him. I was telling myself that all babies grow at different rates. I think people were telling me that to make me feel better about his size. I used to pray for the children at the Children's Hospital hoping that I would never have to go there. We are now the one's asking for prayers. We got in for an Ultrasound on Tuesday to reassure again that there is no blockages. The following Wednesday the 19th we go back to his pediatrician to check weight and do bloodwork to check his levels. I have videotaped him now with what a brief normal morning with Carson is. Hoping to use that to show that he is indeed throwing up all his food gradually throughout the morning. I have tried giving him littler amounts of food at shorter periods of time. I will give him a half of banana then wait for him to digest them before giving him more. It doesn't matter the amount of food.

 

I didn't want to believe people when they told me he had acid reflux. Savannah had colic and acid reflux. She still gained weight. There had to be more with Carson than just acid reflux. I did not know that his was just a more severe case. They call these babies "scrawny screamers." He is still happy when he spits up most days but his lack of thriving and wetting diapers puts him in a more severe case. He will be fasting again on Monday night/early Tuesday morning for his test on Tuesday morning. Please pray that this fasting will go better than this past Wednesdays fasting. I was up at 3:30 with a baby that wanted to nurse and a breastfeeding mom holding him. We watched Baby Einstein and took a bath. He finally gave up at 5:30am only for my alarm to go off at 6am to get ready to head to Children's. I'm exhausted after this week of Savannah throwing up on Sunday night, Carson waking up multiple times from his reflux, and my own thoughts/worries. The diarrhea virus made its way through our house this week. God only gives me how much I can handle. I hope he can see that I've got plenty on my plate right now. A little comparison below of what Carson looked like 5 months ago at the same weight and height. A little less chubbiness.

 

Carson at 4 months: 

 

Carson at 9.5 months:

 

Closet Eater

Now that Carson is eating table food and Savannah is realizing that mommy's food is always better, I'm almost certain I will certainly be turning into a closet eater. I sat down to have breakfast yesterday. Savannah had just finished eating her bowl of cereal then she realized that I had a toaster strudel. Her eyes lit up and she quickly grabbed a plate to put it by the toaster. There went half of my breakfast. I sat down at the table to enjoy the other half when Carson squeals insisting he wants some. There went my other half. I tried to make another one and eat it as fast as I could but both kids whined the entire time while I enjoyed my now little breakfast.

Today concluded to be the same way. Savannah had just finished eating her cereal AND toaster strudel when she saw me making eggs for breakfast. She decided that she wanted eggs too. I listened to the consist whining while I gobbled down my breakfast burrito.

It brought me to remember this part in a very popular film. I can imagine Carson (when he starts talking) and Savannah both standing under my feet repeating these exact words.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-3e0EkvIEM

9 months

Carson turned 9 months old today. I don't know where the time has gone but it has been a great experience having 2 children. Challenging? Yes to say the least but certainly rewarding. I couldn't help but think that when Savannah turned 9 months we were on our way to Massachusetts for our first move of many throughout her life. I remember sitting down in my new house 22 hours from everything I knew and crying when she turned 10 months because for the first I realized she wasn't going to have a birthday party with all her family singing happy birthday to her. Carson will turn ONE in just a few short months and it doesn't bother me nearly as much as it did with Savannah. Maybe this time I'm more prepared as we have been gone from "home" for 2 years coming up this winter.

Jeff and I have been married for 4 years coming up in January. It feels like just yesterday I was being walked down the aisle. Here we are a much stronger couple and more in love with each other each day. We have moved to 4 different states and moved 6 times in those 4 years. We have flipped our first house and moved across country. Two things I never imagined myself doing. If you know me, I like to shop and stay clean. (something I don't manage to do with 2 children now :) ) Usually someone finds me to either spit up or share their dirty hands (with whatever that child has been in). I am so lucky that someone likes to share so much with me. Aww life is so wonderful.

What does Carson do at 9 months? He weighs about 19 lbs and is 28 inches. He loves crawl around the house following me wherever I may go. He enjoys pulling himself up to let go and stand. He is great at blowing bubbles and annoying his sister. He says dada. I tried to ask him to say mama and he just smiled at me. Jeff asked him to say dada and he proudly said it. (traitor) He sleeps through the night consistently. He does wake up every now and then but usually if I just let him fuss a little he puts himself back to sleep. He is still in his infant car seat which is a huge change from his sister who was out of hers by 4 months. He is just starting to fill out the 6-12 month clothes. He can still wear 6 month Carters clothes though. Everyone says he looks like Jeff. He mainly eats whatever we are eating just chopped up. He has 2 teeth and more coming in. He is drawn to remotes and telephones/cell phones. He is our little prince charming.

Another transfer under the belt

The moving coordinator joked with me as we ran down all the list of items you can't pack and things to get in order for the move. She said she had to to go through the list with me despite the fact this was our third move in two years. I was ready to do her job. I have gotten to know my coordinator Mary very well. I also have my favorite driver who does a wonderful job taking care of our stuff. He is a hard worker and I know that when we get him, he will do a good job. He is a very very prompt person. That is underestimating that statement. On Tuesday last week when he was suppose to start packing we agreed upon 8am. Jeff left for work at 7:15 and said Alan was waiting in his truck right outside our development. I called Alan up and said that he was more than welcome to come early since I was already up for the day. I no more than hung up the phone to hear a knock on my door. So it was Alan, the kids, and I for 4 days.

A move with now TWO little ones that are both mobile has proven to be different than moving with ONE that is semi mobile. I lost track of Savannah more times than I care to count and Carson suckered me in with his pooty lip when I would set him down. I have to admit though. Watching him crawl after me and once getting to me I find another thing to do in another room. He instantly becomes a pancake and weeps in defeat. Its like he's saying "do you have any idea how much work it was to get here!?!"

We are slowly but surely getting settled in and feeling more at home each day that passes. Savannah asks less and less times a day if we are going home. I keep reminding her that her toys are here and her bed is here. No need to go home because you are home. Not quite grasping at that concept yet. With all the weeks activity, it has become easier to put the kids down for bedtime. Last night they were in bed by 7:15 and we were able to enjoy some quiet time to ourselves to recharge as a couple.

This house certainly is a dream come true. I never imagined that I would be living in a place like this or having an incredible family to go along with the dream. I have been blessed beyond measures.

Louisville

As we did our house hunting in Louisville this weekend it really hit me that we are moving. AND we are moving with 2 children this time. We attempted on Saturday to drive around the Louisville area but quickly discovered that wasn't an option as we were on the curvy backroad countryside going from one subdivision to another. I was in the backseat holding a bucket for our carsick Savannah ready to lose it at any moment. We got her out of the vehicle just in time. (whew that was a close one). As I was sitting in the backseat between the 2 children I look over at Carson who is just grinning from ear to ear that he finally can see me after only hearing me for the past 2 hours. Jeff and I grew tired and frustrated trying to care for Savannah while attending to a needy toddler. We got very little accomplished. You could cut the tension in the car with a knife and neither one of us was enjoying this task. We decided that we would need to ask for back up for the following day as we drove home.

Saturday night we lay in bed looking over more and more houses to map out our next quest. Savannah earned herself a babysitter and an afternoon away from the car. Our neighbor gave us a phone number to a great high schooler who came over to watch Elmo with Savannah and give her full undivided attention. I watched the rolling hills, changing fall colors, and watching all other surroundings as we drove down again yesterday. There was so much I missed while attending to a sick toddler in the backseat. There was laughter in the car. We found the joy of imagining this next phase in our life come to a reality. I was so glad to have that enjoyment back. Carson was thrilled to have a DVD player all to himself. He enjoyed watching Baby Einstein which he rarely gets to watch because Savannah trumps him with Elmo demands. We didn't find a house yet but we found 2 really great houses that we both liked and could make work. We want to continue searching to make sure that we have a thorough grasp of the area and choose the perfect house for this next phase. Jeff starts his new area on October 29th which doesn't leave us with much time to look. The sooner we find a house and close on it, the sooner we can be joined as a family once again.

Until then I am busy prepping our house for the real estate market, making phone calls to arrange all the details, and trying to find relaxing time to recoop from some of the stress at times. Promotions for Jeff are such an exciting, stressful, joyful, disarray, and all other emotions. I really hope that Savannah handles this move okay. She understands what "home" is now and announces to me when we are getting close to home. I told her that we would be moving and we would have a new home. She responded by saying "move?, sure."

Helpless

I am at a complete and total loss at what to do with Savannah. As a parent you are suppose to be there to comfort them, fight for them, and make sure that nothing hurts them. I can't take this pain away. I don't know what's causing it. Savannah gets car sick. Jeff and I have scrubbed a puked on car seat more times than any parent should have to. Once is enough but at least a dozen times just is getting really carried away. Last month I brought her into the doctor for her vomiting spells at home that she has also been having. They come every 6-9 weeks. I can sense when they are going to be brought on by either bowel habits or her mood. The doctor prescribed her some zofran to help with these vomiting spells so she can at least keep food in her for the day. She's usually fine until she eats something. It comes back up and she goes about playing until another one comes along or she realizes that hunger is starting to strike her again. Then we battle in the kitchen for an hour or 2 over how much she's allowed to drink/eat. Its like reliving the stomach flu every other month. I realize that kids are going to get sick but I was not prepared for this many episodes of sickness per year.

The road trip to MN/WI proved to us that Zofran is our new best friend along with her DVD player/countless Elmo movies. When we sensed the car sickness coming on, we quick pulled over, got her out of the car to pop one of those pills in her mouth. Gave her some time to get some fresh air and on our merry way we went. Thats all fine and dandy that we have this medicine to give to her once she's getting sick but I don't like to be reactive. I like to be proactive and reach the source of the problem before it becomes a problem.

Tonight after an hour of sleeping for her she awoke screaming in pain and sweating. She wanted to throw up so badly but it just wouldn't come as I held a clammy toddler on my lap. She was crying and I could have just about cried along side her. You feel so helpless as a mom as your holding your child who is in pain but there's nothing you can do. I again reached for our new best friend the Zofran bottle and let a pill dissolve under her tongue. I am in complete misery and want so badly to know the reason behind all her pain. I figured her tummy was bothering her today by the amount of dirty diapers I changed. She acted normal before going to bed only requesting to sleep nexy to me which isn't totally out of sorts but its not asked on a normal basis. The Zofran took about 5 minutes to kick in and she was out. She's sleeping so well that she's snoring. The pediatrician said that wouldn't be her first recommendation to solve the problem. What do I do with my child?

6 months

I can hardly believe that I am writing about Carson turning 6 months old. I feel like I was just sitting down at the computer to write about his birth story. He is an incredible blessing to have in our household. He is now enjoying the tastes of green beans, sweet potatoes, and pears. Savannah thinks she can "play" mommy by feeding Carson so I am going to have to start learning not to leave the food out and walk away. I have cleaned up 2 messes already and lost some baby food by my little helper. Carson is attempting to get in the crawling position too. I help him by pushing his butt down. hehe. I am not ready for him to crawl yet. He can just stay put with the rolling for my sake. I am not ready for the baby gates up again and to put away some of the "baby" items (the bouncer). He started blowing bubbles with his lips yesterday. He is quite a handful to change a diaper with now. He either finds his toes or rolls away from me. He has places to be and changing his diaper is not going to slow him down. I love watching him grow up and seeing how they now interact with each other. Now that he sits up, I'm constantly telling Savannah to "be nice to your brother, stop sitting on your brother, or don't push him down." Oh my! It has just started.

I have also been VERY busy this week with a job that Jeff suggested I get into. I have been buying/selling the kids clothes on Facebook now for a year. I have learned quite a bit on how to ship items, how to price items, and how to list items correctly. I still love to venture to our local Once Upon a Child's or other resale shops in the area. When Jeff comes with me, he often hears me say oh I know someone looking for this or do you know how much people would pay for this on Facebook? This past weekend he told me that I should turn that into a business. Go to find the stuff that other people are searching for at a fraction of the price and sell it for more. Granted I'm only making a couple dollars at a time profit mainly charging for my time spent looking for items and shipping it to them. In one week so far, I have banked $200. Quite an accomplishment for me. I love the thrill of walking into the store to wonder what you are going to find. Jeff enjoys seeing me being passionate about something again. I enjoy being able to bring a little bit of money in, doing 2 jobs I love, and still provide some means of income. Well now I'm off to clean the house while the kids are still napping.

The monkey and the hare

I realize I have not written a while. Summer has gotten the best of me and trying to wrap up all these projects has occupied most of my time. Oh yeah and taking care of those 2 kids. Savannah has gone into pure monkey stage. If you do not put things out of reach at least 8 feet high, she sees this as a challenge and will test your true "out of reach" ability. I cleaned the cupboards inside and out a couple weeks ago. She saw me push a chair over to reach the top cabinets. She finds this perfectly acceptable for her to do the same now. (insert big sigh) Now the top cabinets are not safe. I didn't even thing about child safety on those things. She also is very intrigued with the fridge and figures she has every right to help herself to a snack if we do not put a lock on it. She is so sneaky about it also. She doesn't even worry about making a lot of noise in the morning to let me know she is awake. Instead she tip toes into the kitchen to see if daddy forgot to lock the fridge. Some mornings he does when he is in a hurry. Jackpot! I wake up to mozzerella sticks, yogurt, and blueberries strewn across the floor. Not exactly the "good morning" I was looking for. She watches and waits for you to be out of sight to do things. We are still working on that "we obey mommy even when she's not watching" rule. This child has no fear. Well the only fear is being caught.

Carson just will not slow down either. We will be celebrating 6 months in a week. 6 months? 6 months? How did a half a year go by already. I have been thoroughly enjoying this little ham. He rarely ever cries. Right now he's singing in his crib waiting for me to come get him. He sleeps through the night most of the time. Last night he was woken by the storm. Wanted comforting for 2 minutes and was back to sleep. He rolls all over the place. Or maybe he rolls/scooches himself all over the place. He is also a big sitter now. He thinks he is no cool now that he can sit and play with his toys like his big sister. He giggles, coos, and smiles more than Savannah ever did. I caught him the other day trying to put himself up on all 4s. Nope not ready for that. I told him to get back down. I'm not ready for you to crawl YET. He just won't stop moving around and growing up so quickly. It just goes by so quickly.

Well I'm off to start my day. Carson will only be happy for so long before he would start protesting and Savannah only stays out of trouble for a small amount of her day.

More than clothes

When moving here a year ago my neighbor told me about different pages where you could buy/sell your children's clothes on facebook. I was foreign to this whole discovery but quickly became addicted as I saw all the cute things that I couldn't get in the store because they were out of Savannah's size or the price was just too high for me to spend that much. I always take very good care of Savannah's and now Carson's clothes. I hate bringing them to consignment shops only for them to "pick" through what they will take and what they won't take. I come out frustrated and often disappointed with the amount of change that is handed to me after I spent so much on their clothes. I for the most part am a bargain shopper but do splurge when its something that is absolutely adorable and will work perfect for such and such occasion. I didn't like the budget I was left to when I was paid by the consignment shop. That all changed after moving here and having Stacy bring me into the world of facebook selling. I learned how to ship items and how to price them accordingly. Now I'm addicted and love the "hunt" for the items that were from past seasons that people still have and will sell to me or trade.

Its more than clothes though. It's a weird bond that you form with these people. You joke and laugh about the silly things your kids do. You vent to one another about your child dumping the glass of milk all over the floor and smiling at you. You bounce ideas of parenting and what has worked for them in such a situation. Its a community of moms coming together in a way that is indescribable. Yes you do have the bad eggs of the group as everyone does. You have the people who labeled something as in almost brand new condition and you get it with holes, stains, etc. You also get those people who take your money but never send the item. It forces you to file a claim with paypal and take valuable time out of your schedule.

This past Monday the selling facebook world has been saddened. My newsfeed is clogged with posts of a mom who was killed in a car accident leaving behind her 2 young children (a one year old son and 3 year old daughter). You see people grieving over the loss of someone they never even met just became connected through a cyber world. You sit at your computer reading through all the comments and pictures only seeing your own family. You connect with that person so much and feel for what her family must be going through. I am amazed at the outreach that people are doing for not even meeting this person. Not even ever hearing her voice. There is a fundraiser set up in her name to help with funeral expenses along with the needed childcare as she was the primary childcare provider as a stay at home mom. Their original goal was to raise $3000 by August 14. They were not sure if they would be able to obtain that goal. This fundraiser has been set up for approx 48 hours so far and has raised nearly $28,000. It's more than clothes. Its a friendship, an understanding, a real connection to a person. As a stay at home mom you often wonder if you are making any difference in the world. The world lost one mom that should not have been taken away so soon.

Here's the info on the fundraiser and information what happened. http://www.indiegogo.com/AmberRoussel?c=home

Sprinkler and finger paint

You know I have to say, it is really fun to blog when you have something to blog about. My goal is to do at least one activity with Savannah a day. Now that she is getting older and catching onto things more, I feel the need to engage her in the activities I blog about.

Yesterday I decided to let Savannah just do what she wanted to in the morning and she wanted to watch cartoons. She would dodge back and forth to catch a few glimpses of Curious George or Sesame Street in between playing with her babies. I had a few things to get done in the morning. I figured the easiest way for me to get those things done is to keep her occupied doing the things she wanted to do in turn hopefully keeping her out of trouble for a moment. It's amazing to me that not only looks in a child come out when you have your own but also the personalities you had as a child come out in your offspring. Savannah is an early riser (usually) like her daddy was at this age. She is also always looking to get into trouble and seek adventure quite like her mama at this age.

I decided to set up the sprinkler yesterday for a little run-through-the-water fun. She was less than thrilled at the idea because I allowed her to do it. She had no problem the previous night running through the neighbors sprinkler with her clothes on and squealing with delight. Its funny how even to kids the grass is always greener in the other persons lawn. I decided to forego the swim diaper as they are costly and we were at home. Really do you think she is going to have to "go" in the 15 minutes we are out there? The answer to that question is yes. Not only will she "go" once but she will "go" twice. Lesson learned :)  As I snapped these pictures of her yesterday I had to sit back and look after uploading them where did my little girl go? She looks so grown up and has changed SOO much since last summer. The time is going by too fast.

We also did a little finger painting in the driveway. I forgot to snap a picture of that activity but she had fun wearing one of daddy's old t-shirts and taking a foam brush to the big art size sheet of paper. She did not have to worry about making a mess since it was outside. We learned about how to stroke a brush and all about the four colors. Once we get the red, yellow, blue, and green color names down we will start mixing them together to make a whole new set of colors.

As for Carson one of his favorite new activites is hanging out in his jumperoo. He likes spinning the ball to make the rattle sound and staring down the lion in the middle of the activity table. He coos and giggles as he checks out all the fun toys the jumperoo has to offer.

Well I'm off to make a little girl breakfast and get us ready for story time once again today. Hopefully she will just join right in on the fun and not waste a moment staring down the kids to decide if its a good idea to sing/dance. Another hot day here so I think the kiddie pool will be another must in today's schedule of summer fun. Happy first day of summer!

Waterpark adventure

Yesterday I was woken up at 6:45 by a little girl with no bottoms on (diaper included) and attempting to take her shirt off to hop in the shower with daddy. I was UP! Carson awoke at 7am. I decided this was the start of my Monday whether I was ready for it or not. I could really have used about 4 more hours of sleep after working so hard on the weekend. Nevertheless, it was me and the kids on our own once again. We got ready to hit the road at 8:30 in order to get all our errands done in time. Errands took me longer than I thought they would and I was doing the almost impossible...grocery shopping during lunchtime! The double carts were all out so I was forced to get a single cart with 2 kids. I am now starting to sit Carson up in a cart or high chair to strengthen his neck and stomach muscles. Plus it just makes life a tad bit easier. The single cart idea was not working. I had Carson in the front and Savannah in the basket of the cart. I did not realize how much of a disaster that would be. We had only made it down the produce and pasta aisles. Savannah had already worked on eating the buns with the bag still on, opened a box of fettuccine noodles, and was onto the single serve mac and cheese containers. I was determined to get that double cart. Went back to double check both sides of the store to make sure one had not been returned. Nothing. Darn it! I returned to my grocery shopping frazzled and hungry. Savannah had found a way to keep herself entertained now. I couldn't stop from laughing and snapping a picture quick. This child was working on stacking the items in the cart then saying 1,2, wee as they all came tumbling down (some onto the floor). I hit it in reverse after I realized this was now going to be the game of the remainder of the shopping trip. I was determined to find an ulterior way to get through this shopping trip that just wouldn't end. Alas there was a car/double cart just being returned. I quick snatched it and shuffled all my groceries to it. I had a very nice gentleman help me load my groceries into my car and we made it home just in time to eat some lunch (at 1:00). 

I was really debating after that fact if I wanted to brave a waterpark with the 2 little ones myself. I had asked a neighbor to go with me but her boys were less than thrilled to find out where we had discussed going. They decided to venture to the Y themselves for some big kid pool time. I was left with deciding whether I could handle a 4 month old and a courageous, scared of nothing 2 year old. Oh I should also add no nap 2 year old. After lunch I just decided to brave it out and go for it. It could be a complete disaster but at least I would try to give Savannah some water time. We got to the waterpark which took me a couple turn arounds because I don't have a GPS anymore (stupid GPS stealers). I had been to this waterpark once last year but couldn't remember the exact turns just the general direction. But we got there and it was a blast. Savannah was unsure of the water and the water slide at first. I finally dunked her under one of the waterfalls to get her all wet. She stood there and shivered (yes in 93 degree heat) deciding whether she liked it or not. She came back to the stroller to take some more sips of her icee and ran as fast as her little legs could take her back to the water. While watching her squeal with delight, I couldn't help but stop to think how could I ever deprive her of this amount of joy and memories because I would be too scared to handle 2 of them. After all it was my choice to have them so close together. I should be embracing every opportunity to get her out and exploring the world. The waterpark/glorified splash pad was the perfect size for me to keep an eye on her while I was next to the stroller watching Carson sleep but big enough for her to have enough activities to keep her thoroughly entertained. We were there for almost 2 hours. It wasn't a disaster getting her to leave. I asked her if she was ready to go bye bye. She waved bye to the water and wrapped her towel around herself.  We will be going back on Thursday. Savannah went to bed no problem at 9:00 and slept until 7:30. I was actually up before her for a change. Today she is laying in bed watching cartoons. I think she earned a little cartoon time after all our adventures yesterday.

Today will be a catch up day. I will do the laundry. I will sweep/mop the floors. Organize paperwork and get letters mailed/bills paid. After a crazy, busy day yesterday you just need a day to catch back up. Tomorrow will be story time and I'm sure another set of errands :) Well I'm off. I have a little girl calling my name and a shower to grab before both of them are awake and I REALLY have to start my day.

The Social Butterfly

Being a stay at home mom has forced me to be more of an introverted personality now. I stay at home and rarely talk to anyone outside in the real world. I talk to friends and family on the phone. Going places with 2 just seems to make life a little more challenging. This summer I decided to change my introverted style and start to meet people again. I had some really great friends with our very short move to Massachusetts. I haven't been able to connect as well here as I did there. I made a commit this summer that I would change all that and meet some other moms.

First on the agenda was going to Jumpin Jacks. Its an indoor playground for kids under the age of 10 (in my opinion). Savannah had a blast going down the BIG slide and crawling through all the tunnels with daddy. I met one mom there and exchanged phone numbers with her. I arranged a playdate for us the following week. I got a text a few hours before they were suppose to come saying that her daughter was starting to get congested and she would have to reschedule. That was a month ago. I am yet to hear from her. Ok so that attempt to make a new friend failed.


This month we have ventured to story time at our local library. At first Savannah was not a fan just looking at the group from the back of the room. I had brought the stroller and realized that may have not been the best idea as she just stood next to it pretty much the entire time last week as her comfort means. Today I carried Carson in his carseat, Savannah in my arms, and a gigantic purse filled with all the toddler/baby needs into the library. It was a bigger challenge to carry all those items in but it paid off. After 15 minutes of standing in the back of the room, she decided to join the group. Here are some pictures from our time today.

With the library adventure I have to sit and wonder, where are all the stay at home moms? I sat among a mentor for a kids program, grandmas, and a few dads. I think I counted 2 MOMS there. As you can see from the picture there is 3 grandmas in the background. How am I to make friends if there are only Grandmas in attendance? I wish these stay at home moms would branch out of their cocoon and join the rest of the world. Take your kids to these wonderful experiences so they can dance and sing with other kids. Its so much fun to watch your kids interact with each other and lets admit it, we could use some socialization of our own. Become the beautiful social butterfly once again.  

The cost menu to staying at home

Why it's worth the sacrifice to stay home.

My job in MN right out of college, I was earning roughly 32,000/year. I was bringing home roughly $2200 per month. I can talk about this now since I don't work there. Now everyone knows how much I was "worth" to society. For me to stay at home, its what works best for us. When adding up the monthly costs it just doesn't seem to make sense for me to do anything else.

Cost of daycare for Carson and Savannah: $1300/ month according to our church daycare rates
Cost of diapers for home and daycare: $160/month
Cost of gas: Roughly $150/month (depending how long of commute I would have)
Cost of clothing for work and children: $100 (just going by an average for kids outgrowing clothes and me needing new work clothes after a while)
Increase in car insurance because of an increase in driving miles: $40/month

So far I'm bringing home about $100 per week. Although this does not factor in eating out due to not wanting to cook when you get home from work tired. It does not take into effect the lack of couponing ability because I don't stay at home or have time to go through ads. This does not account for having to pay for daycare while I'm home with my child who is sick.

Ways I have learned to cut costs to make up for that $100 per week I would be bringing home:
Cloth diapering (at least part time)
Buying/selling/trading my kids and some of my own clothes on facebook and ebay
Making food by scratch such as bread, cookies, waffles, etc.
Using the majority of leftovers for something else
Lumping my errands to cut the cost of fuel each month. I put ONE tank of gas in my car per month
Less driving= less car repair costs and lower insurance rates
Homemade detergents, cleaners, etc

I believe with just that short list that I have made up for that $100 a week that I would be bringing home if I was working. The best part that you can never put a value on is snuggling with Savannah in bed in the early mornings. Catching her attempt to cook. Working on picture recognition through flashcards. Being a lifeguard next to her pool. Being the one there to soothe all their worries away and wipe all the tears. Playing peek-a-boo with Carson. Talking to Carson and having him coo back to me. These are just a few things that are priceless.

This is just how we are able to do it. Again the situation doesn't work for everyone.

Input and Issues

So after writing my blog yesterday I began to think in the afternoon that I might not know ALL the reasons why parents get kids cell phones. My child is only 2 and my biggest concern right now is not when to put that device in her hand but instead to keep her out of the street. She seems to love the thought of playing chicken with cars. I don't know how many times I have told her no on that subject and how many more times I will have to tell her no.

I will give you a reason why I became so passionate about seeing that cell phone in that 8 year olds hand. I see family dinners going away more and more. (one of my favorite parts of the day) I saw a child sexting. I saw rumors flying faster because they had the ability to send messages to many friends at once. I saw a teenager texting while driving. I saw parents arguing about putting down the cell phone to talk to their family instead of to a friend. I saw division and heartache. I know for our family personally Jeff argues about me being on the laptop too much and I complain about him watching too much tv. I sometimes can be a true hater of technology. It's suppose to be bringing us closer together because we can reach out whenever needed but it tends to bring a lot of division. More people are wanting to be "friends" on facebook and not in real life.

I remember being that age and sitting in the kitchen with my family texting my friends. I wish I would have enjoyed sitting with the people that REALLY cared about me instead of worrying about some stupid text. I used to go through 4000 text messages (incoming and outgowing). As a 26 year old (yes I can say that for one more week) I barely reach 200.

I hope that my previous blog did not come across harsh to a parent that has chosen to get their child a cell phone. I only have a 2 year old and I can't seem to parent her. I can't imagine what its going to be like during the teenage years. Things I struggle with on parenting Savannah is not to grab knives off the counter, staying off the street, not trying to get out of your carseat, staying in bed, do not climb on top of the dryer, Elmo does not need to stay on all day. These are just the daily struggles. You feel defeated at the end of the day. You hope that the choices you made are the right ones and will better her in the future.

So with all that being said, I would love to have the opposite of what I said yesterday. I would enjoy hearing WHY you got your child a cell phone? Has it provided all the benefits you were hoping or has it been an issue at times? What age did you get your child their first phone? Would you do it the same if you had to do it all over again? The only good thing yesterday that I could come up with was farmers children. When they are working in the field, you need someway to get ahold of them. But then I thought how did they get ahold of their parents before cell phones? They had cb radios so I really don't know if a cell phone is "necessary" in that sense either. Look forward to hearing everyone's input.

The Kindergartner and the cell phone

I was surprised to find the other week another person's picture showing their 8 year old child with a cell phone. A cell phone she said he earned due to having good grades. I began to think, am I the only one who thinks an 8 year old should not be holding a cell phone that THEY own? I was 18 when I got my first cell phone. It really wasn't needed until I was driving longer distances on the road by myself. Maybe it's just my age showing but I don't see any reason why a child (13 and younger) would need a cell phone. If you need your mom or dad up to that point you should be able to reach them somehow without having your own cell phone. Either you should be around some other adult or with your parents yourself. I have heard other parents argue that they want to be able to reach they child at all times. What happened to teaching them responsibility? Teaching them that when you ask them to come home at a certain time or be somewhere at a certain time they are there, if not they lose privileges? I have also heard parents argue that they need to give their children a cell phone because its a much harsher world than when we were growing up. I don't understand how giving your 8 year old a cell phone will keep them from being bullied at school. Are they going to call you up and say such and such is picking on me? No you still need to be the parent and teach them how to handle those situations. What is giving your child a cell phone really going to teach them? It's going to teach them that they need to be connected 24/7 at a very young age. Its going to teach them that texting is the way you communicate instead of running around on the playground. If you can't trust that your child is going to be responsible when out playing by themselves in the neighborhood, then maybe they shouldn't be playing by themselves yet. If you are going to constantly worry about them getting kidnapped then maybe you need a different plan of action. A cell phone is not going to keep them from someone taking off with them. I see far more negatives in this case than positives. I see parenting getting pushed to the wayside by handing your child a technological device so young. A cell phone is not going to protect them from this so claimed harsher world. You the parent is going to teach them how to handle people in this harsher world. Here's a news article that I found very interesting.
 http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/kids-cell-phones-child-phone/story?id=13385091

Happiness is..

Happiness is...

• sitting at Caribou kidless for an hour, sipping on a vanilla chai tea latte
• coming home feeling refreshed and open arms to an excited toddler
• watching your 2 year old try and try to restack those bath cups until she finally gets them in the right order so they all stack neatly. She looks up at you and smiles with pride.
• seeing your son smiling at you when  you come to rescue him from the crib
• marrying your best friend
• waking up to the sun shining through your bedroom window or the moonlight of the night to soothe a woken baby
• driving down the road singing nursery rhymes at the top of your lungs with a just as excited toddler in the backseat.
• hearing your toddler sing the ABC's when you aren't looking because she won't do it when you are watching
• understanding you are beyond blessed with everything you have
• watching from the corner of the room as your toddler is as kind as can be with her brother, covering him in kisses.
• hearing your husband pulling up the driveway and a toddler running to greet her daddy
• hearing the words mamama all day long
• that smile that just seems a mile wide

These are just a few things that make me happy.

A Sisterly Kind of Love

April 2nd, 2010 was a day I will never forget. It will be a day that when I picked up the phone it was no April Fools joke. My dad had told me that my sister was in a car accident. Hillary is the one of the safest drivers. She always takes extra time to look twice when at stop signs and drives the speed limit. She was on her way back up to her place in the cities. She had stopped to get gas on the way out of town. While driving on the back country 2 lane road she wanted to double check to make sure she had put her debit card back into her wallet. It only took a second for her to take her eyes off the road and end up in the ditch at 55 mph. She hit a field drive and her car flew in the air landing on its side. The airbags and seatbelt saved my sisters life that day. This accident also was a month before my due date with Savannah.

I would have never captured this moment on my camera had something happened to her. This week she accomplished a goal that she has been setting to accomplish for 2 years now. She officially became an RN. I could not be a more proud sister to have gotten to spend these last 2 years with her and many more to come. It makes you realize how precious life is and how many great memories we would have missed out on had she not been wearing her seatbelt.  She is such an amazing sister and friend. There truly is no relationship quite like a sister one. She has accomplished so much in her life and has so much more yet to set out to do. She is going to make a fabulous nurse. I wish I could have been there to celebrate with her in this grand accomplishment. I thank God that I was given these last 2 years with her. The laughter, the stories, and the secrets is what makes it so special.

Here's a few pictures that my dad shared with me to help me feel like I was part of the celebration of Hillary officially becoming an RN. I wanted to share them with you also. Hillary we love you and all 4 of us could not be more proud.

Caleb and Hillary



Big Brother Josh, Hillary, and Dad

WAY TO GO HILLARY!!

How can she be 2??

Birthdays are completely different now that I'm a mom. I reminisce  all day long about what I was doing 2 years ago at this time. What the pain was like. The emotions Jeff and I were going through as we were about to become parents for the first time. I remember sitting in Savannah's room every day just dreaming about what she would be like or who she would become. There's nothing like the thrill of becoming a parent for the very first time. I didn't go through exactly the same emotions when I had Carson. I knew what was coming (pain wise) and what was all involved in taking care of a newborn. It was more of "how am I going to handle two?"

Bringing Savannah into the world was a bumpy ride but we made it through. She entered the world 2 years ago in room 310 at 3:10. She did not take her time getting here either. I went through 4 hours total of labor. I started feeling contractions at 11:30 after they broke my water. I pushed for 15 minutes before she was out. She was perfect. We knew she was a girl and had her name already chosen for her. I held her in my arms and for a moment the world stopped as I stared at my first child. Such an incredible feeling bringing a child into the world. I'm glad God gave me the privilege of being her mom and am thankful for each day he gives us with her. She may have her parents stubbornness but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Happy birthday to the light of my life. Mommy's favorite little girl and early morning snuggle bunny. She more hops on top of me than snuggles.

This week also marks when we started trying for our second child. Don't worry people, not trying for another one yet! :)

Another round of check ups complete

Today we had our round of wellness visits. I decided to get them both in together to hopefully start a cycle of joining visits. I don't need to go to the doctor anymore than we have to. It was Carson's "2month" check up. Even though he is 2.5 months now. It was Savannah's 2 year appointment and they complained about doing her appointment 4 days before her birthday. I wasn't going to do shots for her anyways.

The check up went very well for both of them. Carson is 14 lbs 11 ozs and 24.25 inches. He weighs less and is longer than Savannah was at this point. Savannah is 32 lbs and 34 inches. Both are growing quickly and are doing fantastic as far as the growth chart. I always cringe when the issue of immunizations come up in the appointment. I hate the thought of all those vaccines in such a little person. It's such a hard role as a parent to know what is right for your child. I know people have had their children get adverse affects to the vaccines but I also know that it protects against harmful diseases. No wonder mom's get gray hair! Not only do you have to make sure that you are protecting them against these diseases but then you have to worry about what they put in their mouth(food and other misc objects), if you are buying the best carseat, and making sure your child doesn't watch too much tv. Being a mom is a joy and such a fun job but like any other job, it is also very stressful at times.

For today I can relax until June 29th when I am faced with the shots decision when Carson has his 4 month check up.

What Could I Possibly Do All Day?

I only have time to write this because one child is taking a second nap today because she is not feeling well and the other one is screaming in his crib fighting off a much needed nap. Although some people think I have plenty of time on my hands.

My day starts out at 7am. Both kids are up and wanting to be fed. Which one do I feed first? Place Carson in bouncer to scream momentarily while I fix a bowl of cereal for Savannah and get a sippy cup of orange juice. Place S in high chair to eat. I grab C to nurse and check email/return emails while I nurse for 10 minutes. S has been done for the past 3 minutes eating her cereal and now has decided to take it upon herself to clear the table. She spills the milk all across the floor on the way to the sink. Praise her for her effort as I burp C. He misses the burp cloth and instead spits up all over my shirt and the floor. I place him back in the bouncer and clean up the two messes on the floor. S has decided to help soothe C's crying so she rushes to get a pacifier to him and smoother him with a burp cloth in an attempt to clean up some more spit up. I save C from S's sisterly love attempts to care for him. She demands tv and I tell her that it's time to play with toys. I play off and on with the tv for 15 minutes until I finally unplug it. I won that battle for the day. Mommy 1, S-0.

I figure I better get a shower before I lose my opportunity to. Place C in bouncer and hop in the shower. S decides she needs one too so she undresses herself and hops in. So much for privacy and a moment to myself. Dry myself off but S decides she's not done yet. Get dressed quick myself only to find that S has decided to take it upon herself to finish her shower. She is now running out of the bathroom, across the carpet and into the living room naked and slips on the floor. Soothe a crying S while C is now screaming because I left the room. Finish getting dressed and dress S. C needs an outfit and diaper change now. After we are all dressed I pick C up from the changing table where he lets out a burp and spit up runs on his newly changed outfit and my fresh clean shirt. Go to find new tops for both of us to realize I'm running out of clean clothes. Must start a load of laundry. S has decided since I have been so preoccupied with laundry and changing of clothes that its the perfect time to clean out a drawer. Pick up all her clothes from her dresser drawer and try to somewhat reorganize them. While I am busy cleaning up this mess she has noticed C is all alone. Tries to shove pacifier in his mouth and tell him "shh" despite the fact he isn't crying (for once!) Starts crying now because of all S's sisterly love. By the way, the clothes are still sitting next to the washer to be put in the wash. Now that we are all dressed and messes are somewhat contained time to start cleaning the kitchen before lunch needs to be started. C is down for a nap so I am one on one with handling a child. Finally a manageable situation. S wants to help me do everything so I am playing referee with what she can and cannot touch. Now that the kitchen is cleaned up time to draw the ABC's and 123s on the etch a sketch. S grows quickly uninterested in my attempts to teach her and has the need to cause trouble. I tell her "no" where now she begins to throw a tantrum.  To her room she goes for a time out until she can cool down. Her tantrum wakes up C so now I have a fussy baby who needs a longer nap. I place C in the Ergo so I have 2 hands to do things and he wants to show me how strong his neck muscles are. Is it nap time yet? Nope it's only 10am! That's just a 3 hour block of  my day. How can anyone say that a stay at home mom gets bored?!

Center Stage

I had my postpartum check up last week already. The time just flew by and I was out of the office with flying colors. It was bittersweet walking out of that office for the last time. I know that I won't be back there for my yearly check up as I know we will be moving long before then. It will probably be one of the last times I will see the office ladies and my doctor again. I don't plan on getting pregnant before we move either. I know accidents happen but I said that I'm not "planning" on it. I think 2 is plenty right now until Carson is sleeping through the night. He's definitely a much better baby than Savannah was but she had colic AND acid reflux. Poor little thing. If only I would have realized it sooner and done something about it. It was really hard to walk out of the doctors office from my postpartum this time because it was such a small office. You felt like they really got to know you. I would just walk in the door and wouldn't even have to tell them my name or any other information. It becomes part of your routine for 8 months. Now my routine involves pediatrician visits monthly for a little while. Carson next month then Savannah's 2 year then back for Carson's 4 month, etc. We will become regulars there.

I have begun to notice that I am quite the spectical when I go out in public. I am not one to draw attention to myself but now with 2 kids people can't help watching how I handle 2 so small out in public. I felt judged as a college student was pushing in carts are Target and Savannah dashes away from me only for me to have to chase after her. I felt like turning to him and saying "just you wait until it's your turn to have kids." Instead I smiled and pushed my cart with Savannah throwing a fit in the front and Carson sleeping away in the basket portion. I hardly even attempt to soothe Carson as we shop because people stare no matter if I attempt to stick the pacifier in his mouth or just begin to speed shop. I can't leave the house without hearing the following comments:
- oh he's a fresh one/new one
-how far apart are they
-oh you have 2
-you sure are a busy mom
- you certainly have your hands full

I am not one to draw attention to myself. Actually I dislike it so much. I am more of a person that just likes to blend in with the background and be a back up singer. Somehow that calling is not doing me justice right now as people seek my out to catch a glimpse of the baby or watch me handle both of them. At times I feel like I'm the only one with a child that ever misbehaves. For now I'm in the spotlight and will just learn to deal with it until I can blend in once again.

Experience or Something Else?

Nurse, spit up, cry, sleep, poop, repeat. This is Carson's current schedule. Carson cries a lot throughout the day. He isn't the center of my attention like Savannah was when she was a baby. I have a toddler to take care of also that demands just as much attention so Carson gets put down. I sometimes don't even notice he's really crying. I have gotten so used to the sound of a crying child now that it doesn't bother me as much anymore. This has also taken affect with Jeff. He's not yelling at me in the car to get Carson to cry. When I get out of the shower, Jeff is consoling Carson with the pacifier and rocking him. He doesn't look at me with a panicked look anymore wondering what to do with the crying baby. You can say that we have settled into our roles quite nicely.

Carson to me is still easier than Savannah was despite all the up-at-nights and crying spells. Could this possibly be that I know how to handle the crying now or that I'm just used to holding a crying baby? I would like to think that my experience and expertise through Savannah has taught me how to console the crying baby. The knowledge and expertise on how to rock the baby a certain way would help me to deal with the fussier times. The pacifier also helps though :)

He is also for the most part sleeping in his crib. At ONE month! Not through the night but at least I can get a little more sound sleep without worrying about rolling over on a baby. They are certainly two blessings to me though. I never realized how much you can love something until those two came along. Love my little family.

The Cuddlers vs. the Non-Cuddler

Jeff asked last night before going to bed "where's Carson?" I responded with "in his crib." Jeff was amazed at my response for this time it wasn't a battle to get him out of my arms and into a bed of his own. With Savannah it was 3 months and the anxiety for me to put her in her own bed was just too much for me to bear. I ran scenarios in my head that the house would catch on fire and I wouldn't be able to get to her room in time. Oh by the way, her crib was about 12 feet away from my side of the bed. Little irrationally thinking on my party, I know! The only way Jeff could convince me at that time was to put the pack n play next to our bed. Everyone won until I was ready to move her into her crib.

Everyone wants to cuddle with me and be next to me. Me being a true Johnson in that aspect, I want nothing to do with cuddling. We have a king size bed so I can have my space and Jeff can have his. We can (ugh) cuddle when we want to and get our separate spaces when we want to. Again everyone wins. I have no problem putting Carson in his crib if it will get him to sleep longer. Also I have no problem putting him in there because its one less person touching me. Now with 2 kids, if feels like someone is touching me all day long. If it's not Carson nursing, its Savannah crawling up on my lap or throwing toys on me saying play with me. Savannah also crawls into our bed making it one more person that nestles her body up next to mine. I am the most in demand cuddler right now. I'm trying to end this cycle of all the cuddlers in our house before I go insane.

New blog title!

Today is Carson's due date. We have been on our own now for a week. Really? Has it been a week already since the in-laws packed up and headed home? We are doing great with handling 2 kids. Savannah hasn't shown any jealousy yet. The days are running pretty smoothly with having Carson attached at my hip and Savannah attempting to open the fridge, cupboards, and dishwasher. I swear that child is half monkey and she will soon have a sidekick to copy everything she does. (insert happy dance here) My days are going so well with having 2 that I ventured out for our first grocery shopping trip. It required a baby carrier, fruit snacks, and a smile as people looked at us.

Carson has hit the stage of  "don't you dare put me down. I'm warning you. I may just scream if you do." Nevertheless, he does get put down. He does scream. And we all survive. He has been sleeping on my chest or cradled in my arms since coming home from the hospital. Yes you can all gasp at the horrible mom I am for co-sleeping with my child. Believe its best for everyone right now that one way or another mommy sleeps. Savannah slept on my chest for the first 3 weeks then moved  to just sleeping next to me. When she started rolling, she got moved into the pack n play next to our bed. She eventually made it to sleeping in her crib. It just took baby steps.

Savannah is very much into attempting to get herself dressed. The only drawer she likes to get into besides her shoes is the pajama drawer. Every morning I pick up a dozen pairs of pajamas. She of course can never fully get them on so she figures they are broken and reaches for another pair. Such a big helper. She gets more and more enjoyable everyday! I love my family of 4 and wouldn't trade this time for anything.

One Year

It's hard to believe that its been one year since we moved away from MN. I have only been homesick one other time. That was when Savannah turned 10 months old and I realized that none of the family was going to be at her 1st birthday. Wow 10 months old! That seems like just yesterday and I was still carrying a 30 lb baby on my hip. Now she's walking and talking (only a language she can understand for the most part) up a storm. It makes me feel bad that my family isn't around to watch Carson grow up now. Mommy and daddy and the "family" we have met through our journey will love on Carson and Savannah. I am so glad that Jeff is finally settled into a position of comfort in the company. He is a much happier husband and dad for the changes we've made. I am looking forward to the day when our journey slows down and we return to the old stomping grounds of Austin, MN.When I can rekindle all those friendships I left behind that were so precious to me. Until then I will enjoy the ride and take each new place as a new adventure.

Feelings

I am writing this in hopes that someone has some words of encouragement or has felt the same way I have. I am not a very open person when it comes to sharing my feelings in a public setting. I keep a lot of emotions hidden and even Jeff has a hard time getting how I feel about things out of me. I at times don't even realize I do it but he has brought it to my attention several times. When I was having contractions before they induced me, he would call me constantly asking me how I felt because apparently I wasn't letting him know if they hurt or what was fully going on.

Since arriving home I have spurts of crying spells. They can last about 10 mins and usually are brought on by something I see. There was a commercial with an old man sitting on the steps with his grandson and I started crying because I realized that one day I will be old. My kids will grow up and I haven't had enough time to cherish those precious moments with them. I don't know where the last 9 months have gone. Savannah has grown NINE months more and its gone by way too fast. I know the newbornness will pass and I will never get it back. Soon he will be crawling and walking and talking. I don't know how to slow time down. Thats where I'm at. Anybody got any thoughts for me?

The Second Time Around

Bringing Carson home was a different feeling this time. With Savannah I had an overwhelmingness of how I was going to care for a newborn and about how life would be different. We were also in the middle of remodeling the house which added additional stress. Still we managed just fine and now almost 2 years later we brought home another addition to our family. This time around, I'm not anxious about how to care for a newborn. Instead I feel more guilt for bringing home another one and taking away all her attention. I keep reminding myself that is the reason why we had another one so that Savannah would have someone to play with in the future. It's just my body in restart mode trying to get all my hormones back in balance. I still feel extremely blessed to have 2 healthy children. That's all that really matters.

Getting Carson to breastfeed is much easier than Savannah. No baby ate as much as Savannah did. I have a harder time getting Carson to eat enough and Savannah would not let go. Two complete opposite types of babies. I could sit and nurse Savannah for an hour waiting for her to unlatch. Carson is done after 10-15 mins. I have a feeling that Carson won't gain weight as fast as Savannah did.

Now the challenges of learning to juggle two kids will start. Dividing my attention between the demands of a newborn and a toddler. Then of course you have that whole maintaining a marriage :)

Carson Michael's Arrival

I wanted to blog Carson's birth story for any of you that are interested in how he arrived into the world. I love reading other people's birth stories and learn how things worked for them. It's always such a beautiful thing to read about how strong women are and the emotions of a newborn entering the world.

On Wednesday, the doctors office called me to remind me of my appointment on Friday. I just happened to mention on the phone that I had been having more contractions since Monday afternoon. They asked me to come in to see what was going on. When the doctor got to examine me, he was surprised to find that I was 5 cms dilated and ready to go at  any moment. We sat in his office as he made phone calls and rubbed his head trying to figure out what to do. He didn't want me walking around in the "condition" I was in for the fear that I could deliver on the way to the hospital. He wanted a controlled environment where their was medical staff on hand. The new rules for induction is to not induce any woman before 39 weeks unless there is a medical condition to do so. I was 38 weeks and 2 days with him leaving on Saturday (today) for a week of vacation. I went home after my appointment only to have contractions pick up a little. Which I'm sure had something to do with my examination. Jeff and I drove to the hospital that night to be monitored to see if my contractions were actually real or the same braxton hicks ones I've been having. We were sent home at 3am Thursday morning after no change was being made. My doctor called me on Thursday as I was out trying to walk the baby out and keep my mind off of the task at hand. He had called corporate people at the hospital to explain the situation. He pressed the urgency of how quickly I was go if I started to go into labor. He also explained the safety of the situation is much greater at the hospital than having me walk around. Corporate agreed with him and I was scheduled to have my water broken on Friday morning.

Thursday I was wasn't feeling the greatest. Savannah had the stomach flu on Wednesday so naturally the germs prey on the one's with lower immune systems and I caught her bug. I did not sleep more than 1.5 hours on Thursday night to Friday morning. We weren't suppose to get to the hospital till 6am but at 4:30am I couldn't handle anymore of the nausea and thirst. All I wanted was an IV so I could get fluids and keep them in me. I did take an anti nausea pill at 3am that the doctor had prescribed for me when I had the stomach flu on Thanksgiving. Yes stomach flu twice while pregnant. I thought once was bad enough. I started feeling better around 6:30am once they got some fluids in me and the anti nausea pill started taking effect.
The doctor came in to break my water at 7:50. I was having very mild contractions moreso due to being slightly dehydrated. I started having contractions pick up but they weren't consist and I was dilating as fast as I thought I would until 10:30 came. At that time I was only dilated to a 7 which is about a cm an hour. I was starting to doubt my ability to do this naturally. I got on all 4's to just release the pressure off my hips and find some kind of comfort. I wasn't allowed to do the tub or even get out of the bed since they broke my water. At 11:15 I rolled over back to my back because nothing was comfortable at that point. As I was rolling over I got this sudden urge to push. The nurse checked me quick and same yep she's ready. They had called the doctor 45 mins ago before I got on all 4s and I was panicked then because they told me not to push. HAHA! Yeah right, don't push. There is no way that you can control this urge to push. I disregarded what the nurses were telling me and pushed anyways. I was honestly trying to hold back and breathe but that only worked about halfway through the contraction. That's when you have no control over what you're body is doing. You're mind will not listen to anything you're telling it. I saw the doctor arrive finally and I was thinking "where have you been?" Nurses were asking him questions and I saw his facial expression as the head was already coming out. The nurses asked if he wanted booties as he was whipping all his outerwear off. He said "we don't have time for booties." After 8 mins of pushing Carson Michael arrived laying on my chest. It was the best surprise ever to look between his legs to find out what the baby was. Carson wasn't even on the list of names that we had discussed but that was the name that came to my head when he arrived. I couldn't get that name out of my head and no other name made sense. Michael is Jeff's middle name. We had planned on using his middle name if the baby was a boy.

I really enjoyed being able to do this naturally. I doubted myself many times through the painful contractions but figured it was too late already. The time went by so fast. It felt like I only had a few contractions from 10:30- 11:15 even though they were coming every 2 mins. I remember things so vividly this time around. I never really had that sudden urge to push with Savannah. I just decided to push when they told me I was getting close. When Carson arrived the doctor looked at me and said "thank you for not making me a liar to corporate that you were going to go fast once things got started." 3 1/2 hours from start to finish. A little under 1 hour of hard labor. After 9 months I had a beautiful pregnancy and a beautiful birth story. I wouldn't do it any other way.

Waiting with anticipation

As we anticipate the birth of Raiders #2, I can't help but think how it feels like I have been pregnant forever yet the time has gone by so fast. Soon we will be celebrating Savannah's 2nd birthday (YIKES!). Soon we will be watching this next little one hit milestones as we did with Savannah. There will be first laughs, words, rolling over, crawling, walking, and much much more. Plus all the first time incidentals in life that us parents hate to admit such as when your baby rolls off the couch or bed for the first time. Time goes by way too fast.

As the anticipation builds time seems to slow down and the arrival isn't coming soon enough. Or maybe the fact that I have had braxton hicks contractions with this one for the past 2 1/2 months or so. Every little twitch I still wonder if this is it. I know that nobody has been pregnant forever and my time will come. It's still so much fun to build up the excitement for the day. It's such a good surprise in life when life doesn't give you very many of those anymore. I got a phone call today to remind me of my appointment on Friday and my heart sank a little. I was hoping I wouldn't need that appointment. My belly has gotten to the point where I have no idea where I'm going to fit anymore in. I can't tell if I have contractions anymore or if its the baby moving. I say enough is enough and am trying to encourage the little one to come out to meet us.

Almost to the finish line

Jeff told me today that I need to blog more. Quite honestly between taking care of a toddler and prepping for the upcoming arrival of our newest member, I haven't had much time to sit and write. I've had an abundance of time this week but my attitude about bedrest has not been the greatest so I have choose to keep that attitude to myself. It came out a little bit with Jeff tonight.

I wasn't expecting to be put on bedrest. My blood pressure had remained steady and I was having a good pregnancy. No complications whatsoever besides getting the stomach flue and needing fluids to stop contractions due to dehydration. Simple fix. When I was pregnant with Savannah I was put on bedrest abruptly kind of like I was with this one. I went into an appointment thinking everything was fine and walked out with an order. When I was pregnant with Savannah we were remodeling a house. A lot of things were only half finished such as the basement. I was also 37 weeks pregnant and knew the bedrest thing would not last long. I knew inducing was eventually coming my way. I just had to wait for the room to be available.

With this one, I was only halfway through painting all the doors and trim. I get to look at a half finished job once again while I am forced to "take it easy." Everyone tells me that I will have plenty of time to paint it and finish it in the future but when you have nothing else to do, its kind of hard to think that way. I don't know how I'm going to finish all my painting when I have two kids. It was hard enough painting the exterior of the house when I had Savannah. I can hardly keep her out of the paint let alone do it with TWO. The baby nursery is also not painted. :( Slacking on my part though. My bad! The hardwood floors are still not fully complete despite my expectations. My list was not complete and it frustrates me to no end. I was just hoping this time around that I would be able to stay on my feet until the baby decided to come out.

I know me laying low is good for the baby but it still is very hard on you emotionally to get through each and everyday. I want nothing more right now than to be 37 weeks and allowed back to my regular self.