Another appointment, no results

Today I sat in a waiting room and for the first time I felt helplessness and hopelessness. I thought for certain that one day I would figure out the reason behind Savannah's vomiting episodes but instead I realized that I sat amongst a room full of just the same. They were children of all ages that had similar yet varying symptoms and struggling to find answers still. I felt like the 18 year old version of myself. The teenager who went in for test after test while struggling with unexplained weight loss and severe stomach aches. Enough to alter my lifestyle. I never ate after a certain time. Usually it was around 6:30 or 7pm I wouldn't eat anymore. I struggled with the emotional effects of people calling me anorexic or bulimic. I was brought back to the time when "everything was in my head". Thats the only explanation to what was going on. The other explanation was irritable bowel which is a diagnosis handed out like bottled water nowadays also. When the patient isn't happy with the results slap the IBS diagnosis. At least we gave them something. For some unexplained reason I stopped 95% of the episodes by marrying Jeff. Figure that one out!

After our 2.5 hour wait and listening to a doctor say that Carson is going to grow out of this, I still was frustrated with that answer. Savannah had moved onto reorganizing chairs turning my patience and frustration to a new level where I struggled to understand the doctor but had to try hearing him over the screeching of chairs moving. Can you blame her though?! She had used up every ounce of patience as well. I stood holding an irritable baby with a doctor telling me that you just got to wait it out. I felt like the crazy mom. I was worrying about my child that hadn't grown ANY in 6+ months. I had the doctor telling me that he just grew really fast the first 4 months and is now plataeuing. Really?! I'm a concerned mother that just isn't buying that. It is NOT normal for a child to not have grown even an inch in 6 months in the second half of his first year. It is not normal for a child to be fluctuating from 19.1 lbs to 18.8 lbs every 3 months. Does he "look" healthy? Yes. I'm looking to be proactive and not reactive. I don't want to get to 15 months and still no change. At that time he wouldn't be on the charts. I could very well be wrong. I could very well be the overactive mother. I think anyone would be doing the same thing if they were in my shoes. You would most likely be questioning why your child hasn't grown.

What changed in Carson? I have no idea. I don't recognize this baby anymore. It all started at 6 months. Something in him switched and it seems with each passing month it gradually is becoming more bothersome to him. Before leaving for MN/WI in August, Carson was sleeping through the night. He maybe woke up once per night per week but other than that he was the happiest baby. I could lay him in his crib and he would chatter himself to sleep. It had been like that since 4 months or May. I was delighted to have a baby that was so differing from my earlier years with Savannah. Jeff and I would comment about how much things had changed from the first time around. We were thrilled/blessed to finally been given a baby we could really enjoy. Ever since middle of September when we came back from vacation he has been more irritable. He doesn't sleep through the night. He does the opposite of everything he used to do. He still does smile and chat up a storm. I used to wake to a baby in the monitor talking to his mobile animals. Now I wake to a screaming child and I can't get to him fast enough. Some days its not just fussing but screaming. If he wakes up in the middle of the night,  which is most nights now, he used to nurse then go right back down. Now he just screams when I lay him back down while arching his back.

Today I realized that I'm among a group of moms that fear the next time their child is going to vomit. They are always wondering when the next time is coming in the back of their head. I used to think I was the only one who was thinking that. For example, I'm thinking about going to the library tomorrow. I'm hoping for a good night and that she doesn't wake up vomiting. That's all thats on my mind. We missed going to the zoo last Monday on the  3rd because she woke up the night prior with one of her spells. I could actually sense it coming on. I can't even tell you how I knew for sure. If I don't know how I knew for sure, how am I going to explain that to the doctor. He will probably say she is just picking up viruses. *sigh* Only God knows what exactly is going on in these little people's bodies. He made them to his liking in his image.

A "happy spitter" or a "scrawny screamer"

Carson has also been classified as a "happy spitter". When he was younger he would spit up and when people would make comments about it, I would just respond with the old phrase 'thats Carson.' At his 4 month check up he was 19.1 lbs and 27 inches. At his 6 month check up he was 18.8 lbs and 27 inches. I figured the weight loss was due to being a roller now. He rolled, crawled, and furniture walk months before his sister did. At his 9 month check up he was 19.1 lbs and 27 inches. I hadn't read through his baby book to remind myself of his last check ups but that number sounded awfully familiar. With the move, we didn't have his weight records as they do not fax that information. If we wanted any records besides immunizations we would have to get them printed off and pay for them ourselves. I just did my best to go through Carson's previous 9 months of life with what I had in his baby book. I hadn't found his 4 month record sheet so I didn't have that with me when I went for his well child.

When filling in Grandparents and other people about Carson's 9 month stats there was something that wasn't sitting right when I kept saying he hadn't grown for a few months. I couldn't remember the exact amount of months it had been. I was thinking since 4 months but didn't have the hard evidence in front of me and since the doctors didn't have his growth chart she just said we will watch it till a year. I mentioned that at 9 months he was still spitting up quite a bit so the doctor did decide to put him on a different acid reflux medicine since the Ranindine (Zantac) wasn't cutting it. We were now put on Prevacid and to give it to him once a day. The spitting up got better for about a day then we were right back at square one. Actually maybe square negative 2. I only gave him 5 doses hoping that it would get better with each dose. Jeff finally made the comment to me after listening to a screaming baby crawling after me everywhere in the kitchen "is it just me, or is he spitting up more?" Sometimes it takes someone on the outside to really shine a light. I was busy making excuses and trying to follow what the doctor was prescribing. Jeff made that comment on Tuesday so I decided I needed to call up my Aunt Rose for further investigation. My head was spinning at what to do and IF this really was acid reflux. After talking with her and throwing around a couple diagnosis's I decided I needed to get him into the pediatrician again to have a further look. Something just wasn't clicking.

I called at exactly 9:01am (one minute after the clinic opened) and the person before me had just taken the last appointment for the pediatrician we had seen prior. She gave me an appointment with another pediatrician and little did I know that it would be one of the best mistakes that would happen thus far. The nurses put him on a table where they take stats before going into the room. I asked if they needed me to undress him for the weight. They said no since they had just taken it on Friday, 5 days prior. I looked down at the scale that read 19.1 lbs and my heart sank. I turned to them and said we need a weight. He's lost weight since Friday. His true weight was 18.8 lbs. He had lost 6 ozs in 5 days. I felt so terrible as a mom that I had given him so much of that medicine. It WAS making him worse. When the doctor looked at the weights that I had written down she said something wasn't right.

 

 

Finally we were going to get some answers. She thoroughly examined him to realize he was "filled". His stomach and intestines were full. An x-ray also confirmed that. When returning to the room after the x-ray another doctor examined him to see if our current doctor was coming up with the same idea. We were scheduled for another x-ray at Children's Hospital for the following morning to watch him digest his food. They wanted to be assured that he had no blockages in the path causing him to reflux all the food and not absorb it.

 

I felt like such a bad mom for not realizing that he doesn't wet his diapers as much as Savannah. I just kept telling myself that he will eventually stop spitting up not even realizing that Savannah had stopped long before him. I was telling myself that all babies grow at different rates. I think people were telling me that to make me feel better about his size. I used to pray for the children at the Children's Hospital hoping that I would never have to go there. We are now the one's asking for prayers. We got in for an Ultrasound on Tuesday to reassure again that there is no blockages. The following Wednesday the 19th we go back to his pediatrician to check weight and do bloodwork to check his levels. I have videotaped him now with what a brief normal morning with Carson is. Hoping to use that to show that he is indeed throwing up all his food gradually throughout the morning. I have tried giving him littler amounts of food at shorter periods of time. I will give him a half of banana then wait for him to digest them before giving him more. It doesn't matter the amount of food.

 

I didn't want to believe people when they told me he had acid reflux. Savannah had colic and acid reflux. She still gained weight. There had to be more with Carson than just acid reflux. I did not know that his was just a more severe case. They call these babies "scrawny screamers." He is still happy when he spits up most days but his lack of thriving and wetting diapers puts him in a more severe case. He will be fasting again on Monday night/early Tuesday morning for his test on Tuesday morning. Please pray that this fasting will go better than this past Wednesdays fasting. I was up at 3:30 with a baby that wanted to nurse and a breastfeeding mom holding him. We watched Baby Einstein and took a bath. He finally gave up at 5:30am only for my alarm to go off at 6am to get ready to head to Children's. I'm exhausted after this week of Savannah throwing up on Sunday night, Carson waking up multiple times from his reflux, and my own thoughts/worries. The diarrhea virus made its way through our house this week. God only gives me how much I can handle. I hope he can see that I've got plenty on my plate right now. A little comparison below of what Carson looked like 5 months ago at the same weight and height. A little less chubbiness.

 

Carson at 4 months: 

 

Carson at 9.5 months: