It was a week after I had found out I was pregnant. Lauren was out of diapers. I didn't want to leave the house but I was forced to when I pulled the last diaper off the pile. I gathered up my emotions as best I could to parade myself and 3 kids into Target. My friend Melissa saw me as I was entering and followed me to the diaper aisle. She gave me a hug and I broke down sobbing. I was good with 3 kids. I finally had accepted that life was good with 3 and moving on was ok. I had grieved the thought of never carrying a child in my womb again. Yet here I was pregnant by a huge surprise. Who wouldn't want to be pregnant?! What kind of mother am I?! I battled thoughts the whole first trimester. I winced at the ultrasound screen at 8 weeks not knowing what it would show. I had this fear in the back of my mind that it would end like the previous pregnancy 6 months ago had ended. I was afraid that one minute I would be getting used to the idea of a 4th and the next moment I would be saying good bye. Jeff was worried about me. I would lay in bed crying most days. I sat in my office chair at 8 weeks after the positive ultrasound and thought about names. I could not come up with any boy names that seemed to fit. One and only one name came to mind when I sat looking at names. This baby was a girl (I felt in my gut) and her name would be Charlotte. It wasn't soon after that, that Lauren started going around saying "Charlotte, oh Charlotte". It fit. Jeff asked me one night what names I had thought of for the baby. He was trying really hard to help me feel better emotionally with the new task of raising 4. He took care of the kids quite a bit while I dealt with my emotions, sickness, and exhaustion. I started finally feeling better around 15 weeks and Jeff surprised me with a gender ultrasound. I just needed to know what the baby was so I could start my nesting. I could start visualizing how things were going to be. It was the perfect gift and what I needed in that moment.
Fast forward to September 20th. I was so worried about induction. I had never had Pitocin before. It was a picture perfect delivery. We got admitted/all set up around 8am. The nurse I was given was a perfect fit for me. God had his hand in that delivery room. He had his hand in that delivery room. I had dilated an extra cm upon admittance but it still wasn't enough to push the head down to break my water. They started Pitocin. I'm very grateful that I could emotionally prepare to do Pitocin and it kept the day positive. They slowly bumped up the Pitocin knowing that I was going to do natural labor. They wanted to give me the most natural process possible. At noon her head was still not far enough down. I had contractions every 2 mins but nothing I could painfully feel. By 1:30, the head still wasn't engaged but she set my head up enough to push the baby down and get the head engaged. I had hard labor for 1 hour. I kept breathing knowing that it would all be over shortly. Jeff rubbed my back the entire hour to help me get through the contractions. When it came time to push, I really didn't want to. This time around I really had to work at pushing her out. Carson and Lauren easily came out. I could feel that this baby was definitely not the 7 and a 1/2 lb babies I usually birth. This one hurt. I remember after the third push, asking if her head was out yet. Jeff said "almost". I laughed and said "that wasn't the correct answer". When she finally came out and they laid her on my chest all I remember saying is "she's huge". They could not believe that a 9 lb baby had fit into my small belly.
It's been a little over a week. I can't get enough of the snuggles. I can't get enough of the little newborn squeeks. She's a perfect fit for our family. I can't imagine life without her now. My head knows that there's no more babies for our family. That chapter in my life has come to an end. 6 years of raising "babies" is coming to an end. My heart would love more. My body can't take anymore pregnancies. This one was the easiest to recover from but the hardest 9 months to grow a baby. I had so many pregnancy symptoms this time around that I didn't have with the other 3. It's time to enjoy this last little miracle. I will have friends who will have babies that I can love on. I will have a sister and sister in law that will have more to love on. In time, my heart will catch up with my head. For now, you can find me sitting in a chair sniffing her head and wiping tears from my eyes knowing she's extra special. She was the bonus surprise in life that I didn't know I wanted. Praise Jesus for knowing better than me or Jeff.
