I have really struggled with trying to find something special about myself since I lost my job. I always had something in my life that defined who I was. I had friends through high school that really helped me get through a not so normal teenage life. I went to college and became so busy with keeping up with school and 2 jobs and a social life that I never had time to really "think" about things. My last semester of college I was very busy planning a wedding and graduation that I was on my little high in life. I got married and soon after that the high started to wear off. Reality set in. I was no longer this independent young woman. I was tied down in a small town with no job. It brought new meaning to the phrase "ball and chain." I settled into desperation to find a job. Jeff and I fought all the time. It was the time when we were learning to live with each other. It was ridiculous things we fought about such as "why must you drink so loudly?" "those clothes are no where near the clothes basket" "do you have to leave the toilet seat up EVERYTIME!" Such stupid things you fight about when you first get married.
I finally found a job that was only minutes from the house. I was ecstatic to say the least. I finally found my dream job. I was for the first time salaried!!! I didn't know what I wanted to do with my first paycheck. I wanted to do something big because I worked hard and was paid well for my accomplishments. We decided on buying our dream car. I wanted a trailblazer and Jeff wanted a Subaru. We compromised on a Subaru Tribeca. I was so proud to be driving this new car. No more college car days. I was a real adult, with a real job. 5 months later that dream came to a screeching halt. Before I left work on Monday my boss had asked if I had time to meet with her in the morning. The way she said it just made my stomach drop. For some reason we just know when something bad is going to happen. Jeff and I went to meet with our builder because we were planning on building a house. Since my dad works for a lumber company we were going to get some great deals. I expressed to Jeff how worried I was about Tuesday morning. I tossed and turned all night. Then it happened. I walked into her office and there sat not only her but her boss. I was thinking in my head what could have I done. I have kept things confidential, I have done my job to the highest of my ability. I can't be in trouble I kept thinking. Or am I. They went on to say that I had done a fantastic job but that they had some budget cuts which meant my job was cut. My world just crashed all around me. I had to call Jeff up and tell him that we won't be able to build our house anymore because I didn't have my job anymore. Even writing this still brings tears to my eyes. In just 5 months, I went from being on top of the world to feeling like I had let our relationship down.
I had a hard time getting out of bed each morning. I kept thinking of the things that I would be doing if I were working. I kept thinking about all the things that I had left half finished and all the relationships that just abruptly stopped. I was not allowed to send out a letter or even contact them to have closer. It's still awkward to walk around Austin and see people. They all have their opinions of me. I worked so hard to build this trust up with them. It's like living with an ex-husband. Just so awkward.
I finally got used to being at home and doing things around the house instead. My new label was homemaker. Didn't think after 6 years of college that that would ever be my label. Now I have a new label. I feel now as though thats all I am. I know this is my purpose in life right now and am content with raising my daughter and taking care of my husband. I feel as though there is nothing special about me. I wear jeans and a t-shirt most days. I clean up spit up and change diapers. I somehow suppose to be in this loving dovy mode when Jeff comes home but its so hard to muster the strength. I wish I had something that would make me feel special again. I don't think that I want a job right now because I love being able to watch Savannah grow up. I don't want to miss out on all her firsts. How do stay at home moms keep themselves from feeling this way? I am still on the venture to figure this one out.
Almost all stay-at-home moms go through this, especially when it's just you and a baby. You love your baby and being with her, but that doesn't mean you don't long for adult company and some mental stimulation! Some of the biggest changes in life are graduating from college, getting married, getting a job, losing a job, and having a first baby. You've managed to do all of these in about two years! It's going to be hard to know which way is up for awhile.
ReplyDeleteThere are women fillng the US who have given up their role as homemaker to pursue "fulfilling" careers and large paychecks. I have nannied in quite a few of these homes and seen the havoc it can cause in the families' lives. (Not always, but often.) I have seen the pushed-aside, coldly detached children, the husband and wife who are more business partners than friends, and the beautiful houses in which love does not live. In the words of Rich Mullins, "I've seen silver turn to dross and I'll tell you, it ain't worth what it costs." I would rather live in a run-down trailer home filled with love any day.
If you spend your life loving God and loving people, if you embrace your role at home (at least for now), and determine to bring love and grace into your husband's and children's lives, then happiness will find you--even if in the midst of struggles. In a few years, when Savannah is old enough to hold an entertaining conversation and you perhaps have other little ones too,you make look back at the day you lost your job and realize that (maybe) it was a gift to you.
A woman who can embrace the job of unconditionally loving her husband and her children, of spreading grace to those around her is not ordinary--she is a rare and precious jewel.