Between a rock and a hard place

This vaccine debate and posting articles on facebook regarding vaccines is enough to break my heart. I have stopped vaccinating my kids a year ago. I had a really bad feeling every time I brought them to the doctor and I had to hold my child down to get them injected. I didn't know why I had this feeling but slowly this past year it has become clearer to me. The more research I have done, the more I kick myself for not looking into these things sooner.

I'm not sure if you remember but Savannah used to have vomiting spells. She would throw up for a day for no reason at all. We went to countless doctors to get first opinions, then second opinions, then to a GI doctor. It all led to dead ends and driving home in tears wondering what I was going to do with my sick child. I missed out on fun things because my child was sick. Carson also failed to gain weight after 4 months. He spit up so much and also went to doctors to check everything out. Everything checked out great and he was diagnosed with acid reflux. He was put on medicine at birth but I only gave it to him for a few weeks as I wasn't noticing a difference at that time. When he was put back on it around month 10, he had an allergic reaction to it once the dose was doubled (doubled because he weighed more). I had 2 very sick kids.

I decided to stop vaccinating and do some research after I read an article where a certain individual didn't understand why their newborn needed a Hep B vaccine. The chance of your child catching Hep B is so extremely rare. I started questioning how many other ones weren't necessary for a child so young. Especially for my kids who aren't in daycare. I came upon people talking about their children throwing up after a vaccine. I all of a sudden had a realization that this could be the cause of all our troubles. This was a reaction to something I was doing to them.

I should have done better. I should have read the ingredient list. I never realized that vaccines are also made from aborted fetal tissue. As a christian, I do not believe in abortions. That's a whole other debate but thats my personal belief. I feel I am encouraging abortion by vaccinating my child.

To have my case proven is just impossible. I am having the most impossible time finding a doctor that will take us because we do not vaccinate. We are judged and it doesn't matter the reason. I feel I am doing what I need to do to protect my children from longer suffering. A mother's intuition is usually right on. I've been right about a lot of other things. So why do I write this? I want my story out there and to hopefully not be judged further for not vaccinating my kids. I don't want to be looked at like I am a crazy person for even thinking this. Before you judge me or think I'm crazy, do your own research. We have a higher chance of being in a car accident than catching a deadly disease. All I have to do now days is mention I don't vaccinate and people tell me what a horrible mom I am. I am not a horrible mom.

Savannah hasn't had a single vomiting spell in a year. :)

Officially family of five

18 days ago we became a family of 5. 18 days ago we welcomed our third child into the world. We could not be happier and didn't realize what we were missing until 18 days ago.

Last May our family was complete. We set out to clear some clutter from our garage, house, and attic for the garage sale season. The first week in June we decided to sell our infant car seat along with a few other bigger toys you use for the first year. Carson had outgrown them and I couldn't stand the thought of storing them only to have them damaged in some way or expire. We were happy with our family of 4. July 11th changed all of that.

I had went out with a friend that day for lunch at McDonalds with all our kids. We set off after that to go shopping. I wasn't feeling the greatest that day. I felt off and on nauseous. I normally am very healthy now and am over most of my own stomach issues. Something inside told me that I should just stop by Target on my way home to pick up a pregnancy test to make certain that wasn't the reason I was feeling this way. I stood in the bathroom just shocked at what the test showed. I felt a whole snowball of emotions.  I certainly wasn't ready for this new challenge.

9 months flew by and Lauren made her way into the world just like I had planned. (well for the most part) Jeff had to travel down to Tennessee when I hit my 37 week mark. He made certain before he left that I was to call him immediately if I was feeling even an ounce of discomfort or a single contraction. He was suppose to be gone from Monday through Friday. Thursday at 2pm I started having contractions. They were only coming every 5 minutes with stronger ones every 15 minutes. Same as I had felt when I was 31 weeks pregnant. The other times I had gone through this, they tended to stop after 5-6 hours of doing this. Jeff called to check in at 4. I had no idea what to tell him as I wasn't sure if they were just false alarm contractions and hated to have him come home only to have them stop when he arrived.

He decided to head home instead of making his next departure to Knoxville for the night. I had my bag packed and was really hoping I wouldn't just get sent home once again. Jeff arrived home at 10:15 and we made our way to the hospital. At this hospital you have to go through the ER to get admitted to Labor and Delivery. The lady at the front desk smiled and said "I know why you are here." I guess I couldn't hide that fact any longer. They took my blood pressure only to realize that I had blood pressure of 160/115. They decided to try again. Still not much of a change. Once I got up to my room it had went down to 130/105. Still not what they wanted to see. It continued to get back to my regular blood pressure until I stood up to do anything. Even sitting wasn't getting it to a "good" level. My doctor came in to check on me the next morning and was not happy with what my blood pressure was doing. She decided to make a judgment call. She wanted to get the baby delivered (which I had already dilated another cm from admittance through the night). She would rather take the chance of the baby having some breathing problems at 37 weeks vs me getting preeclampsia. She came in at 12:20pm to get the show on the road. I had progressed another cm at that point. I was already going into labor on my own, she was just helping the process along by breaking my water.

I was assigned a nurse who had given birth naturally before. I did not realize how much of a help that was until the process was all over. She was a great support and let me labor however I felt the need to. I walked the halls for the first hour thinking this was going to be the fastest labor out of all of them. I was able to get in the tub to realize some of the pain with warm water. My nurse and Jeff were great support systems to help keep my body relaxed. At 3pm I asked for an epidural but was told it was too late for it. My heart sank a little thinking I had missed my window of opportunity. I had fully intended on going natural as Carson's hard labor amount was 45 minutes and I was going on one hour. It seems so silly now but at that time seconds feel like hours. at 3:25 I started pushing. I didn't even let anyone know as I was focused on one task. The nurse quickly figured out what was going on and told me she was going to call the doctor. The doctor ran over from her office across the street just in time. She was there to catch the baby with one glove on and the nurse put the other one on to catch the shoulders. Lauren Elizabeth was born in 2 minutes. She was placed on my chest for skin to skin for an hour. We let everyone know she was here. We didn't know stats of the baby until an hour after she was born. It was the sweetest hour and the greatest gift. I held my reward for sleepless nights, constant bathroom breaks, and pushing her out. She was beyond healthy. She was very pink and was a very good weight. No breathing issues. I wanted a March baby but we missed the cutoff by 6.5 hours. I have two February babies now.

My eyes are open now. Lauren was exactly what we needed in our family. We function better as a family of 5 over a family of 4. Jeff and I are a team now. There is no "you take one and I'll take the other." No man to man coverage. We are outnumbered and abundantly loved by THREE! God knew that Lauren was a child we needed even though we didn't realize we needed her. Jeff is an amazing dad to his two girls and son. Carson loves yelling "daddy!" and running to give him a hug when he comes home. Savannah thinks daddy builds the best lego stairs and airplanes. Lauren loves her daddy snuggles on the couch. We are blessed by our three children Savannah, Carson and Lauren.

With the third baby, sleepless nights don't bother me so much. I love snuggling a baby since its only a short time. Dishes will get done eventually. With Savannah, I felt like I rushed to fill the first year. I wanted her to sleep through the night and wanted it to happen RIGHT NOW. I wanted her to learn how to crawl and walk as soon as she could. I'm very patient and relaxed as a mom the third time around. All things happen when they are suppose to. No need to rush for our children to grow up as they do fast enough. Savannah will turn 4 in 7 weeks. She will start preschool in the fall and my time with her is going to be limited year by year.

The Third Time Around

This time around I am not anxious for a baby's arrival. I am not googling techniques on how to induce labor as I know that labor will eventually start when she is ready to arrive. I know that each day that passes, is one less day that I will have with just dividing my attention between 2 children. I know that each day that passes, makes her a stronger person for the outside world. I may be uncomfortable and ready for her arrival. I think that is God's purpose though. I think its a chance for a woman to be ready for birth and to let go of being pregnant. I have enjoyed these last 9 months of pregnancy. I have enjoyed feeling her move and listening to her heartbeat. I am ready to meet her once she is ready to meet us.

I am going on walks. I am using my exercise ball. I am doing these things to help prepare me for labor this time around. I am not using them as a way to get her out. Although I do joke with Jeff when he asks if I need anything and my response is, "the only thing I need is a baby out." All in good time she will. Just try to lighten the mood a bit as my mood is not the greatest right now. I'm hoping with popping out a baby, it pops out a new attitude.

Next appointment is this Friday if I don't go into labor before then.

Final Thoughts Towards The End of 3rd Pregnancy

My head is full of mixed emotions right now. If I can't hold a conversation with you, that is why. I can't remember what day it is sometimes or the last time I ate. My mind is on the overwhelming thought of 3 children in the very near future.

Some days I feel like I want to be pregnant for at least another 3 or so months. I'm really not prepared to juggle 3 kids. I'm not prepared to give up Carson as being the baby of the family. I'm somewhat comfortable and this baby doesn't get me up all hours of the night to use the bathroom unlike the other two. I know what to expect with labor and recovery afterwards. I know the reset of emotions your body goes through a week or so after you have a baby. There is no manual on raising a child let alone juggling 2 or more. I will most likely never see a baby of mine on an ultrasound or listen to a heartbeat every 4 weeks. I will most likely never see a positive on a pregnancy test again and feel my heart leap for joy. Its coming to the end of being pregnant and this stage in my life.

Then there's the other side. She can come out RIGHT NOW!! My belly is hanging so low that I feel like I have a "roll" that goes over my pants. I am uncomfortable at times. I am very anxious to meet her sweet face. I can't wait to dress her in her adorable outfits I have been picking out for the past few months. I want to see Carson and Savannah's reaction to meeting the next member of our family. I'm ready to share her name and give her an identity other than baby girl Raiders.

Right now, the grass is not greener on either side. I am stuck on the fence. 37 weeks comes on Monday. I delivered Savannah and Carson at 38.5 weeks. I know the time is ticking so I'm trying to soak up both sides regardless of the outcome. Oh by the way, I'm almost halfway to the finish line as well. So far I'm sitting at 4cms. I could sit that way for weeks or tonight could be it. She's healthy right now whichever path she chooses. I will just have to be ready.

17 week check up

Friday is almost here. I have my "16 week" really 17 week check up. This is the appointment I have been dreading for the past 4 weeks. I have done tons of research, pondering, and asking friends on this subject that will be discussed at my check up on Friday. It has been recommended to me to get progesterone shots throughout the pregnancy. They are wanting to prevent me from going on bed rest and to keep the baby in as long as possible. It's one of those decisions I feel that I am going to wonder if I did the right thing the entire pregnancy. If I don't get it and go into labor early with a premature baby am I going to kick myself for not doing all I could do to prevent it? If I get future side effects from getting these extra hormones injected into my body, am I going to regret even doing the shots "just in case"? I know what my answer will be on Friday but its still hard not to stress about the "what ifs".

Fit for the job

This week was hard. I'm not going to lie. As a mom, Satan doesn't forget about us and wears us down at times. A mother's job is more strenuous some weeks than others. The devil finds this as a perfect opportunity to ride in stealing your joy.

It's funny how when a mom makes a comment about how she is struggling in a certain area the first words out of people's mouths isn't ones of encouragement but ones of "you need to appreciate the life you were given." I have heard this line used not only towards me but to other people "some people can't have children or this time goes fast so enjoy every moment." Enjoy every moment.... doesn't that seem like such a far fetched achievement. Even for motherhood! The sleepless nights do pass. The toddler following you around every footstep does pass. It passes too quickly. I am 28 years old and been a mother for 3 years now. I still look at pictures of Savannah as a baby when we first were in the hospital feeling like it was yesterday. I don't need someone telling me that time goes fast because I'm living it myself.

Mom's need a place to vent out their frustrations as well. I remember working (yes it was only 6 short months) but I remember it nevertheless as a time to love my job BUT I also came to work some weeks feeling utterly defeated by a certain client. I would talk among my peers for suggestions and encouragement. I don't ever remember someone telling me to appreciate the fact I had a job and to deal with it. A job is a blessing. A job in a field that I loved working at. This is my new calling. This is my new job. It fills me with immense happiness. There are still those days or weeks or months where I struggle not to cry over the spilled milk on the floor or cleaning up the Mr. Potato Head pieces for the 5th time that day. You wonder if its making a difference at all.

What hurts the most is when other mother's are the ones that make these comments. As sisters in Christ, we are to build one another up. If you see someone struggling, you build them up with scripture, with praise, and compassion. You show them grace knowing you too have days of heartache. It works for parents as well. We are all in this crazy journey together that is really REALLY difficult. You are completely responsible for the life of this person and that is a big task to take on without support.

Second Trimester

Please tell me that my kids are not the only ones who bring random stuff all around the house. Tonight I spend a good amount of my time returning things to their rightful places. There is two of them so keeping an eye on what each one takes is getting to be more and more of a challenge. I had ABC fridge magnets in about 3 different rooms of the house. Savannah decided to leave her bath towel in the middle of the living room because that's where she decided to get dressed. I walked into her room to find that she had taken every pair of pj's out of the drawer to find the perfect outfit. While doing that Carson decided to find a glass of water left in his reach to spill all over. I have been doing lots and lots of looking on google on how to survive 3 kids under 3. I can't keep up with 2 so I can't imagine when I have even more man power against me.

Jeff and I had a very exciting appointment on Friday. We got to see how baby "we most likely know the sex of the baby already but are waiting to tell everyone at 20 weeks" looked in black and white on tv. We heard a beautiful strong heartbeat of 150 beats. Baby posed for the U/S tech and we got great, clear pictures. She said she had a pretty good guess at what baby was appearing to be already based on how well baby was laying that day. We got to meet our doctor that will hopefully deliver our baby and were very pleased with the decision we made on our doctor. She was very open to decisions we wanted to make based on personal preference and we didn't feel pushed into anything.

I am finally starting to feel back to my regular self and growing more each week in the tummy area. I'm getting slightly bigger quicker with this time around. With fall approaching, we have a very busy schedule so its nice to know that fatigue and nausea are hopefully a thing of the past. Looking forward to slightly cooler weather. I feel like a furnace with all this extra blood flow and hormones in my system. I may actually get to catch up with friends with a phone call during nap time over taking a nap myself :)