My head is full of mixed emotions right now. If I can't hold a conversation with you, that is why. I can't remember what day it is sometimes or the last time I ate. My mind is on the overwhelming thought of 3 children in the very near future.
Some days I feel like I want to be pregnant for at least another 3 or so months. I'm really not prepared to juggle 3 kids. I'm not prepared to give up Carson as being the baby of the family. I'm somewhat comfortable and this baby doesn't get me up all hours of the night to use the bathroom unlike the other two. I know what to expect with labor and recovery afterwards. I know the reset of emotions your body goes through a week or so after you have a baby. There is no manual on raising a child let alone juggling 2 or more. I will most likely never see a baby of mine on an ultrasound or listen to a heartbeat every 4 weeks. I will most likely never see a positive on a pregnancy test again and feel my heart leap for joy. Its coming to the end of being pregnant and this stage in my life.
Then there's the other side. She can come out RIGHT NOW!! My belly is hanging so low that I feel like I have a "roll" that goes over my pants. I am uncomfortable at times. I am very anxious to meet her sweet face. I can't wait to dress her in her adorable outfits I have been picking out for the past few months. I want to see Carson and Savannah's reaction to meeting the next member of our family. I'm ready to share her name and give her an identity other than baby girl Raiders.
Right now, the grass is not greener on either side. I am stuck on the fence. 37 weeks comes on Monday. I delivered Savannah and Carson at 38.5 weeks. I know the time is ticking so I'm trying to soak up both sides regardless of the outcome. Oh by the way, I'm almost halfway to the finish line as well. So far I'm sitting at 4cms. I could sit that way for weeks or tonight could be it. She's healthy right now whichever path she chooses. I will just have to be ready.
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