Charlotte Jane...the last baby

It was a week after I had found out I was pregnant. Lauren was out of diapers. I didn't want to leave the house but I was forced to when I pulled the last diaper off the pile. I gathered up my emotions as best I could to parade myself and 3 kids into Target. My friend Melissa saw me as I was entering and followed me to the diaper aisle. She gave me a hug and I broke down sobbing. I was good with 3 kids. I finally had accepted that life was good with 3 and moving on was ok. I had grieved the thought of never carrying a child in my womb again. Yet here I was pregnant by a huge surprise. Who wouldn't want to be pregnant?! What kind of mother am I?! I battled thoughts the whole first trimester. I winced at the ultrasound screen at 8 weeks not knowing what it would show. I had this fear in the back of my mind that it would end like the previous pregnancy 6 months ago had ended. I was afraid that one minute I would be getting used to the idea of a 4th and the next moment I would be saying good bye. Jeff was worried about me. I would lay in bed crying most days. I sat in my office chair at 8 weeks after the positive ultrasound and thought about names. I could not come up with any boy names that seemed to fit. One and only one name came to mind when I sat looking at names. This baby was a girl (I felt in my gut) and her name would be Charlotte. It wasn't soon after that, that Lauren started going around saying "Charlotte, oh Charlotte". It fit. Jeff asked me one night what names I had thought of for the baby. He was trying really hard to help me feel better emotionally with the new task of raising 4. He took care of the kids quite a bit while I dealt with my emotions, sickness, and exhaustion. I started finally feeling better around 15 weeks and Jeff surprised me with a gender ultrasound. I just needed to know what the baby was so I could start my nesting. I could start visualizing how things were going to be. It was the perfect gift and what I needed in that moment.

Fast forward to September 20th. I was so worried about induction. I had never had Pitocin before. It was a picture perfect delivery. We got admitted/all set up around 8am. The nurse I was given was a perfect fit for me. God had his hand in that delivery room. He had his hand in that delivery room. I had dilated an extra cm upon admittance but it still wasn't enough to push the head down to break my water. They started Pitocin. I'm very grateful that I could emotionally prepare to do Pitocin and it kept the day positive. They slowly bumped up the Pitocin knowing that I was going to do natural labor. They wanted to give me the most natural process possible. At noon her head was still not far enough down. I had contractions every 2 mins but nothing I could painfully feel. By 1:30, the head still wasn't engaged but she set my head up enough to push the baby down and get the head engaged. I had hard labor for 1 hour. I kept breathing knowing that it would all be over shortly. Jeff rubbed my back the entire hour to help me get through the contractions. When it came time to push, I really didn't want to. This time around I really had to work at pushing her out. Carson and Lauren easily came out. I could feel that this baby was definitely not the 7 and a 1/2 lb babies I usually birth. This one hurt. I remember after the third push, asking if her head was out yet. Jeff said "almost". I laughed and said "that wasn't the correct answer". When she finally came out and they laid her on my chest all I remember saying is "she's huge". They could not believe that a 9 lb baby had fit into my small belly.

It's been a little over a week. I can't get enough of the snuggles. I can't get enough of the little newborn squeeks. She's a perfect fit for our family. I can't imagine life without her now. My head knows that there's no more babies for our family. That chapter in my life has come to an end. 6 years of raising "babies" is coming to an end. My heart would love more. My body can't take anymore pregnancies. This one was the easiest to recover from but the hardest 9 months to grow a baby. I had so many pregnancy symptoms this time around that I didn't have with the other 3. It's time to enjoy this last little miracle. I will have friends who will have babies that I can love on. I will have a sister and sister in law that will have more to love on. In time, my heart will catch up with my head. For now, you can find me sitting in a chair sniffing her head and wiping tears from my eyes knowing she's extra special. She was the bonus surprise in life that I didn't know I wanted. Praise Jesus for knowing better than me or Jeff.

Saying good-bye is never easy

November 9th, 2012 was the day we closed on our home here in Sellersburg. It's almost been exactly 2 years. Where did that time go? I remember Jeff coming home to tell me that we were moving to Kentucky. I thought who would ever want to move to Kentucky?! We found the perfect house after dragging our realtor around all day looking at houses. That poor guy had major ear pain that day too. None of them quite felt like home until we drove through the Yorktown neighborhood. This neighborhood has been filled with countless friends and good times. Jeff, the kids, and I have enjoyed walking the streets of our development. I never imagined my life would be as great as it is here when I was first told those words 2 years ago.

Another 30 days from now we will be watching our lives get packed up from our perfect home in Sellersburg. I will back out of that driveway and drive to our new home in Illinois. I'm not good with change. You would think by now that I would be but I'm still not. I know why I'm moving and I know that I am being the best wife I can be by supporting my husband with his career endeavors. It still does not make leaving the wonderful friendships we've made here any easier to leave. This is the house I found out we were expecting our "surprise". This is the house that we brought her home in. This is the first house that Savannah actually is realizing is our house. She knows we live by a blue water tower.

I went on bed rest with Lauren at 31 weeks pregnant. I had neighbors, friends from church, and family all checking in to make sure that I was taken care of. They supported me to make sure that I could do everything possible to carry a baby to term. I had a wonderful friend Carrie who set up a meal train for me and took my kids a couple times without hesitating. Our house sits 2 doors down from an elderly couple. They moved 17 times in their life so far. They also have 3 kids of their own and she knows my heart. She knows the emotions I'm going through. I have my best friend here. I can walk or drive 3 doors down to find a friend for Carson to play with. He loves his buddy Landon. We won't be having our daily grilled cheese sandwiches and joking about how our 2 year olds are driving us crazy. Friendship and laughter really is the best medicine to make it through the toddler stage.

There's so many great adventures that are awaiting us in Illinois. I know that in my head. My heart still wants to stay in Sellersburg. All of you have made it such a welcoming place to be. I will miss each and every one of you. Please pray for our family. Pray for a smooth transition. Pray for friendships to be made in our new area and that we will be able to get connected there. Pray that my nerves will be calm with all the changes happening in the next 4-8 weeks.

Encouragement for moms

Dear Moms,

I clenched my phone deciding whether I wanted to make that phone call. My thoughts went to she's probably really busy. She doesn't have time. I will probably just be bothering her while she has other things to do. Instead on the other side of the conversation, I heard gratitude and excitement. It was a phone call that led to a play date. It was a time to get our kids together to let their imaginations run wild while we enjoyed adult conversation. Why had I been so hesitant to call? Why are we all so hesitant to stop by one another's houses? Why do we sit at home in isolation when we could be so much happier sitting in one another's company? Our houses are always clean enough for two little girls to have a tea party. Our kitchen table is always big enough to welcome a conversation over your favorite beverage.

I want to encourage you to reach out to other moms. They are probably just as lonely as you are some days. They are probably hoping someone will come knock on their door to enjoy someone's company. It takes a village. Go out and see what the world holds with all the friendships ready to be made. Go knock on someone's door and make their day by just saying hi. You never know where it will take you.

Happy 3 months

We have adjusted (for the most part) to being a larger family. Most days I feel I have this mom of 3 status down pat. I even think in the back of my mind that I could throw one more in the mix and I would survive. The days of Lauren's PICU stay and almost losing her scare is fading from my mind slowly as each day. She has a sun-kissed look about her now as we have spent many days out in the sun already.

Savannah and Carson have adjusted to her this past month. Carson LOVES being around baby Lauren. Its a great thing but a not so great thing. As I'm nursing her he is trying to climb on top of me to cuddle. I'm using  one arm to hold her and the other arm to push Carson away/save Lauren from being squished. I have to keep an extra close eye on her when she's on the floor because Carson sees her as a race track. He likes to zoom his cars up and down her then giggle. Lauren does not find the humor in it as much.

Savannah is at such a fun age now. She likes to explain the world to me and I can't help but laugh at some of the things she comes up with. She's into expressing herself and very dramatically I might add. It was 4:00 yesterday and she was starving. I said to her that she needed to wait for dinner to be done. In a dramatic state she says "mommy my tummy hurts from being sooo hungry. It makes me sad. When I get sad it makes me cry. Mommy do you want to make me cry?" Ok child a theatre role may be in your future. She starts preschool August 11th. I remember when she was born that the days seemed to go by so slowly. I wanted her to walk and that seemed like it was going to be forever away and I had plenty of time to enjoy her. In reality, the days are slow but the years go by so quickly. She's potty trained, walked, and talking my ear off. Soon she will put on her backpack and wave good bye to me to enter school. I only have 2 more years of her being at home most of the days. I'm going to enjoy them while I can.

Carson is 2. Enough said! He talks but not everything is audible. I can get the gist of what he is saying. He throws tantrums. He has these dark brown eyes that look at you and you can't help but melt. He is a toddler trying to embrace his independence and his mean parents won't let him. Like strapping him down in the stroller so he doesn't run into the street. How unkind of us  ;)

Thats all I have time to write today. Savannah is pulling me away, begging to play a game. How could I possibly say no?!

Between a rock and a hard place

This vaccine debate and posting articles on facebook regarding vaccines is enough to break my heart. I have stopped vaccinating my kids a year ago. I had a really bad feeling every time I brought them to the doctor and I had to hold my child down to get them injected. I didn't know why I had this feeling but slowly this past year it has become clearer to me. The more research I have done, the more I kick myself for not looking into these things sooner.

I'm not sure if you remember but Savannah used to have vomiting spells. She would throw up for a day for no reason at all. We went to countless doctors to get first opinions, then second opinions, then to a GI doctor. It all led to dead ends and driving home in tears wondering what I was going to do with my sick child. I missed out on fun things because my child was sick. Carson also failed to gain weight after 4 months. He spit up so much and also went to doctors to check everything out. Everything checked out great and he was diagnosed with acid reflux. He was put on medicine at birth but I only gave it to him for a few weeks as I wasn't noticing a difference at that time. When he was put back on it around month 10, he had an allergic reaction to it once the dose was doubled (doubled because he weighed more). I had 2 very sick kids.

I decided to stop vaccinating and do some research after I read an article where a certain individual didn't understand why their newborn needed a Hep B vaccine. The chance of your child catching Hep B is so extremely rare. I started questioning how many other ones weren't necessary for a child so young. Especially for my kids who aren't in daycare. I came upon people talking about their children throwing up after a vaccine. I all of a sudden had a realization that this could be the cause of all our troubles. This was a reaction to something I was doing to them.

I should have done better. I should have read the ingredient list. I never realized that vaccines are also made from aborted fetal tissue. As a christian, I do not believe in abortions. That's a whole other debate but thats my personal belief. I feel I am encouraging abortion by vaccinating my child.

To have my case proven is just impossible. I am having the most impossible time finding a doctor that will take us because we do not vaccinate. We are judged and it doesn't matter the reason. I feel I am doing what I need to do to protect my children from longer suffering. A mother's intuition is usually right on. I've been right about a lot of other things. So why do I write this? I want my story out there and to hopefully not be judged further for not vaccinating my kids. I don't want to be looked at like I am a crazy person for even thinking this. Before you judge me or think I'm crazy, do your own research. We have a higher chance of being in a car accident than catching a deadly disease. All I have to do now days is mention I don't vaccinate and people tell me what a horrible mom I am. I am not a horrible mom.

Savannah hasn't had a single vomiting spell in a year. :)

Officially family of five

18 days ago we became a family of 5. 18 days ago we welcomed our third child into the world. We could not be happier and didn't realize what we were missing until 18 days ago.

Last May our family was complete. We set out to clear some clutter from our garage, house, and attic for the garage sale season. The first week in June we decided to sell our infant car seat along with a few other bigger toys you use for the first year. Carson had outgrown them and I couldn't stand the thought of storing them only to have them damaged in some way or expire. We were happy with our family of 4. July 11th changed all of that.

I had went out with a friend that day for lunch at McDonalds with all our kids. We set off after that to go shopping. I wasn't feeling the greatest that day. I felt off and on nauseous. I normally am very healthy now and am over most of my own stomach issues. Something inside told me that I should just stop by Target on my way home to pick up a pregnancy test to make certain that wasn't the reason I was feeling this way. I stood in the bathroom just shocked at what the test showed. I felt a whole snowball of emotions.  I certainly wasn't ready for this new challenge.

9 months flew by and Lauren made her way into the world just like I had planned. (well for the most part) Jeff had to travel down to Tennessee when I hit my 37 week mark. He made certain before he left that I was to call him immediately if I was feeling even an ounce of discomfort or a single contraction. He was suppose to be gone from Monday through Friday. Thursday at 2pm I started having contractions. They were only coming every 5 minutes with stronger ones every 15 minutes. Same as I had felt when I was 31 weeks pregnant. The other times I had gone through this, they tended to stop after 5-6 hours of doing this. Jeff called to check in at 4. I had no idea what to tell him as I wasn't sure if they were just false alarm contractions and hated to have him come home only to have them stop when he arrived.

He decided to head home instead of making his next departure to Knoxville for the night. I had my bag packed and was really hoping I wouldn't just get sent home once again. Jeff arrived home at 10:15 and we made our way to the hospital. At this hospital you have to go through the ER to get admitted to Labor and Delivery. The lady at the front desk smiled and said "I know why you are here." I guess I couldn't hide that fact any longer. They took my blood pressure only to realize that I had blood pressure of 160/115. They decided to try again. Still not much of a change. Once I got up to my room it had went down to 130/105. Still not what they wanted to see. It continued to get back to my regular blood pressure until I stood up to do anything. Even sitting wasn't getting it to a "good" level. My doctor came in to check on me the next morning and was not happy with what my blood pressure was doing. She decided to make a judgment call. She wanted to get the baby delivered (which I had already dilated another cm from admittance through the night). She would rather take the chance of the baby having some breathing problems at 37 weeks vs me getting preeclampsia. She came in at 12:20pm to get the show on the road. I had progressed another cm at that point. I was already going into labor on my own, she was just helping the process along by breaking my water.

I was assigned a nurse who had given birth naturally before. I did not realize how much of a help that was until the process was all over. She was a great support and let me labor however I felt the need to. I walked the halls for the first hour thinking this was going to be the fastest labor out of all of them. I was able to get in the tub to realize some of the pain with warm water. My nurse and Jeff were great support systems to help keep my body relaxed. At 3pm I asked for an epidural but was told it was too late for it. My heart sank a little thinking I had missed my window of opportunity. I had fully intended on going natural as Carson's hard labor amount was 45 minutes and I was going on one hour. It seems so silly now but at that time seconds feel like hours. at 3:25 I started pushing. I didn't even let anyone know as I was focused on one task. The nurse quickly figured out what was going on and told me she was going to call the doctor. The doctor ran over from her office across the street just in time. She was there to catch the baby with one glove on and the nurse put the other one on to catch the shoulders. Lauren Elizabeth was born in 2 minutes. She was placed on my chest for skin to skin for an hour. We let everyone know she was here. We didn't know stats of the baby until an hour after she was born. It was the sweetest hour and the greatest gift. I held my reward for sleepless nights, constant bathroom breaks, and pushing her out. She was beyond healthy. She was very pink and was a very good weight. No breathing issues. I wanted a March baby but we missed the cutoff by 6.5 hours. I have two February babies now.

My eyes are open now. Lauren was exactly what we needed in our family. We function better as a family of 5 over a family of 4. Jeff and I are a team now. There is no "you take one and I'll take the other." No man to man coverage. We are outnumbered and abundantly loved by THREE! God knew that Lauren was a child we needed even though we didn't realize we needed her. Jeff is an amazing dad to his two girls and son. Carson loves yelling "daddy!" and running to give him a hug when he comes home. Savannah thinks daddy builds the best lego stairs and airplanes. Lauren loves her daddy snuggles on the couch. We are blessed by our three children Savannah, Carson and Lauren.

With the third baby, sleepless nights don't bother me so much. I love snuggling a baby since its only a short time. Dishes will get done eventually. With Savannah, I felt like I rushed to fill the first year. I wanted her to sleep through the night and wanted it to happen RIGHT NOW. I wanted her to learn how to crawl and walk as soon as she could. I'm very patient and relaxed as a mom the third time around. All things happen when they are suppose to. No need to rush for our children to grow up as they do fast enough. Savannah will turn 4 in 7 weeks. She will start preschool in the fall and my time with her is going to be limited year by year.

The Third Time Around

This time around I am not anxious for a baby's arrival. I am not googling techniques on how to induce labor as I know that labor will eventually start when she is ready to arrive. I know that each day that passes, is one less day that I will have with just dividing my attention between 2 children. I know that each day that passes, makes her a stronger person for the outside world. I may be uncomfortable and ready for her arrival. I think that is God's purpose though. I think its a chance for a woman to be ready for birth and to let go of being pregnant. I have enjoyed these last 9 months of pregnancy. I have enjoyed feeling her move and listening to her heartbeat. I am ready to meet her once she is ready to meet us.

I am going on walks. I am using my exercise ball. I am doing these things to help prepare me for labor this time around. I am not using them as a way to get her out. Although I do joke with Jeff when he asks if I need anything and my response is, "the only thing I need is a baby out." All in good time she will. Just try to lighten the mood a bit as my mood is not the greatest right now. I'm hoping with popping out a baby, it pops out a new attitude.

Next appointment is this Friday if I don't go into labor before then.

Final Thoughts Towards The End of 3rd Pregnancy

My head is full of mixed emotions right now. If I can't hold a conversation with you, that is why. I can't remember what day it is sometimes or the last time I ate. My mind is on the overwhelming thought of 3 children in the very near future.

Some days I feel like I want to be pregnant for at least another 3 or so months. I'm really not prepared to juggle 3 kids. I'm not prepared to give up Carson as being the baby of the family. I'm somewhat comfortable and this baby doesn't get me up all hours of the night to use the bathroom unlike the other two. I know what to expect with labor and recovery afterwards. I know the reset of emotions your body goes through a week or so after you have a baby. There is no manual on raising a child let alone juggling 2 or more. I will most likely never see a baby of mine on an ultrasound or listen to a heartbeat every 4 weeks. I will most likely never see a positive on a pregnancy test again and feel my heart leap for joy. Its coming to the end of being pregnant and this stage in my life.

Then there's the other side. She can come out RIGHT NOW!! My belly is hanging so low that I feel like I have a "roll" that goes over my pants. I am uncomfortable at times. I am very anxious to meet her sweet face. I can't wait to dress her in her adorable outfits I have been picking out for the past few months. I want to see Carson and Savannah's reaction to meeting the next member of our family. I'm ready to share her name and give her an identity other than baby girl Raiders.

Right now, the grass is not greener on either side. I am stuck on the fence. 37 weeks comes on Monday. I delivered Savannah and Carson at 38.5 weeks. I know the time is ticking so I'm trying to soak up both sides regardless of the outcome. Oh by the way, I'm almost halfway to the finish line as well. So far I'm sitting at 4cms. I could sit that way for weeks or tonight could be it. She's healthy right now whichever path she chooses. I will just have to be ready.

17 week check up

Friday is almost here. I have my "16 week" really 17 week check up. This is the appointment I have been dreading for the past 4 weeks. I have done tons of research, pondering, and asking friends on this subject that will be discussed at my check up on Friday. It has been recommended to me to get progesterone shots throughout the pregnancy. They are wanting to prevent me from going on bed rest and to keep the baby in as long as possible. It's one of those decisions I feel that I am going to wonder if I did the right thing the entire pregnancy. If I don't get it and go into labor early with a premature baby am I going to kick myself for not doing all I could do to prevent it? If I get future side effects from getting these extra hormones injected into my body, am I going to regret even doing the shots "just in case"? I know what my answer will be on Friday but its still hard not to stress about the "what ifs".

Fit for the job

This week was hard. I'm not going to lie. As a mom, Satan doesn't forget about us and wears us down at times. A mother's job is more strenuous some weeks than others. The devil finds this as a perfect opportunity to ride in stealing your joy.

It's funny how when a mom makes a comment about how she is struggling in a certain area the first words out of people's mouths isn't ones of encouragement but ones of "you need to appreciate the life you were given." I have heard this line used not only towards me but to other people "some people can't have children or this time goes fast so enjoy every moment." Enjoy every moment.... doesn't that seem like such a far fetched achievement. Even for motherhood! The sleepless nights do pass. The toddler following you around every footstep does pass. It passes too quickly. I am 28 years old and been a mother for 3 years now. I still look at pictures of Savannah as a baby when we first were in the hospital feeling like it was yesterday. I don't need someone telling me that time goes fast because I'm living it myself.

Mom's need a place to vent out their frustrations as well. I remember working (yes it was only 6 short months) but I remember it nevertheless as a time to love my job BUT I also came to work some weeks feeling utterly defeated by a certain client. I would talk among my peers for suggestions and encouragement. I don't ever remember someone telling me to appreciate the fact I had a job and to deal with it. A job is a blessing. A job in a field that I loved working at. This is my new calling. This is my new job. It fills me with immense happiness. There are still those days or weeks or months where I struggle not to cry over the spilled milk on the floor or cleaning up the Mr. Potato Head pieces for the 5th time that day. You wonder if its making a difference at all.

What hurts the most is when other mother's are the ones that make these comments. As sisters in Christ, we are to build one another up. If you see someone struggling, you build them up with scripture, with praise, and compassion. You show them grace knowing you too have days of heartache. It works for parents as well. We are all in this crazy journey together that is really REALLY difficult. You are completely responsible for the life of this person and that is a big task to take on without support.

Second Trimester

Please tell me that my kids are not the only ones who bring random stuff all around the house. Tonight I spend a good amount of my time returning things to their rightful places. There is two of them so keeping an eye on what each one takes is getting to be more and more of a challenge. I had ABC fridge magnets in about 3 different rooms of the house. Savannah decided to leave her bath towel in the middle of the living room because that's where she decided to get dressed. I walked into her room to find that she had taken every pair of pj's out of the drawer to find the perfect outfit. While doing that Carson decided to find a glass of water left in his reach to spill all over. I have been doing lots and lots of looking on google on how to survive 3 kids under 3. I can't keep up with 2 so I can't imagine when I have even more man power against me.

Jeff and I had a very exciting appointment on Friday. We got to see how baby "we most likely know the sex of the baby already but are waiting to tell everyone at 20 weeks" looked in black and white on tv. We heard a beautiful strong heartbeat of 150 beats. Baby posed for the U/S tech and we got great, clear pictures. She said she had a pretty good guess at what baby was appearing to be already based on how well baby was laying that day. We got to meet our doctor that will hopefully deliver our baby and were very pleased with the decision we made on our doctor. She was very open to decisions we wanted to make based on personal preference and we didn't feel pushed into anything.

I am finally starting to feel back to my regular self and growing more each week in the tummy area. I'm getting slightly bigger quicker with this time around. With fall approaching, we have a very busy schedule so its nice to know that fatigue and nausea are hopefully a thing of the past. Looking forward to slightly cooler weather. I feel like a furnace with all this extra blood flow and hormones in my system. I may actually get to catch up with friends with a phone call during nap time over taking a nap myself :)

Three's company or Three's a crowd?

This comes as such a surprise that I am in the position I am now. In June, Jeff and I discussed our future of paying off the car and student loan debt. We wanted to start fresh when we are again transferred to MN. We figured out a plan that was doable. A month later, I am sitting in the bathroom looking at a positive pregnancy test and crying. This was not in the plan. This was not how I planned my summer going. Jeff assured me that everything would be alright. It still didn't stop me from waking up at 2am for a few days panicking about the thought of THREE kids under 4. I have TWO hands. I have a car for TWO kids. We have a house with 3 bedrooms. One for us and one for each of the children. Where would the baby go? We feel financially secure with TWO kids. What happens when one gets the stomach flu? Are they all going to start puking at the same time? Who will ever watch THREE children so I can have some me time or go to appts?

I know all those things will work there own way out but it's all still a very overwhelming thought. We have told people that number 3 is coming and I have heard many of the same responses... oh boy are you going to have your hands full! Or one of my favorites...are you crazy? Both of these responses leaving me more defeated than built up. I was really looking forward to a summer of swimming, outdoor activities, and zoo trips. When you are pregnant this constant cloud of nausea and fatigue hang over your head for about 8 weeks. This past few weeks I feel guilty for not being as excited about a baby and bad that I can't give my kids all the experiences I had in mind. I am having a hard time keeping up with meals, errands, the house, and the kids. It takes everything I have to be the proper wife and mother each day. Each day I know I leave people disappointed by not getting something they need done.

I know the excitement of the next addition will come in time. Once I feel those first kicks and listen to the baby's heartbeat for the first time all those emotions will come rushing back to pure happiness. Just the selfish part of me that was loving the fact that I could finally leave my kids with a sitter without worrying about pumping or if the baby would wake up in the middle of the night or the part of me that loves ME time once the kids go to bed fighting with every ounce to stay up just 5 more minutes so I could enjoy some quiet time is having a hard time with being pregnant once again.  I can't wait until September 4th when I have my first appt. By then all my energy should be back and I can finally look at a meal without feeling nauseous. Until then could someone cook for me and come clean my house :) I want a nap :)

Update on Savannah

Do I dare jump for joy or am I too early for a celebration? I am silently in my heart thanking God that Savannah has not had one of her vomiting spells since March! A couple of weeks ago she complained right before bed that her tummy hurt and she started moaning. I knew she meant business when she went to grab her puke bucket. I asked her if she needed her medicine for her tummy. She said yes. So to the cabinet for Zofran we went and she rested comfortably for the remainder of the night.

That all happened on Wednesday night. On Thursday she had matter built up in her eyes so right away my mind went to that we had pink eye. It was too late in the day to make her a doctor appointment. I decided to wait it out until Friday. On Friday she woke up with clear eyes. Just a little sleep matter. I kept a close watch on her eyes all day to see if they would do anything. She was outside playing and running around as if nothing was bothering her. At 3:30 she told me that she wanted to go lay down. Its very common lately for her to want to lay down at this time for an hour or so before dinner. I could only hear her screaming at the top of her lungs. I went into her room to see her grabbing her ear and screaming that it hurt. Quickly called the doctor to see if I was in any luck of getting an appointment on a Friday an hour before they closed. They told me to hurry in. I drug my screaming 3 year old to the doctor, into the room where we waited for 30 minutes (seemed like hours), and to be examined. She had a full blown ear infection. Now the doctor had me thinking. "Is Savannah's vomiting episodes coming from ear infections that don't develop into much more than an ear aches?" She had no other symptoms. The doctor found this strange because she wasn't coughing, running a fever, or having any type of nasal drainage. It just makes a mama wonder.....

These past 2 months have been emotional on me personally. I have been neglecting my tooth hygiene. After college and 2 kids, my mouth went downhill pretty quickly. I felt better when the dentist explained it this way. Some people can eat whatever they want and not gain a pound like you. Other people can eat whatever they want and brush their teeth once a day and never get a cavity in their life. Everyone has weaknesses. This is my weakness. The beginning of this year one of my back molars actually broke off from an old filling and years of grinding my teeth. I had it pulled out on Monday after it started bothering me. I feel as if I lost a part of myself. I turn 28 in 10 days and was not prepared for this at all. I figured I was years away from this happening. I know lots of people live through it but I was naive thinking it wouldn't happen to me. I have one more back molar that needs to come out before it starts causing problems as well. I just keep thinking, that's what I get for putting myself on the back burner. I felt so silly crying in the dentist chair after they left the room once I got my shot of Novocaine. I'm just always so busy that I rarely have time to sit and dwell on these things. It all comes at once when I'm left to think about these types of things. I'm a mom and I'm supposed to be strong in other people's eyes. I break down just like any other human. I'm hoping that adding the mouthwash to my routine twice a day will keep me from dealing with any of these happenings in the future. I'm also going to be getting a retainer to prevent any further damage to my teeth from my grinding. I must work really hard at my grinding my teeth at night because my previous dentist said he had never seen teeth so wore down. First time I had ever heard that in my life.

That's a little update from the past couple months. We are off to the zoo tomorrow to enjoy some outdoor time outside of the house. Looking forward to seeing how they react to all the animals and various activities.

A weary heart

I haven't posted an update on Savannah in a while. I have only been posting bits and pieces on facebook of things that have been happening with her. My heart is heavy with hurt for her. I don't know how to help her. Until this phase in life is done, I will be spending a lot of time praying and researching.

Savannah threw up 3 times in February. She has thrown up 2 times in March. I remember breathing a sigh of relief when February 1st came because the first thing that crossed my mind was we made it through all of January without vomiting. After dealing with this now not every 6-9 weeks but now every 2-3 weeks, I decided it was time to take action. This has gone on now for 18 months. Enough is enough. The pediatrician, I felt, was very thorough in examining Savannah's stomach and prompting me with questions. She took note of everything I had logged of the past 18 months. She agreed that something wasn't right. She explained how frustrating it is to know this is happening and they are too young to tell us what exactly is hurting. She suggested trying a prescription they prescribe for kids with stomach migraines. She explained to me that it may make her sleepy so to give it to her at night. That was the only side effect that was worth mentioning as it was the most common one. Savannah's digestive system is finally on the mend after 17 days of diarrhea. I stopped giving her the medicine on Sunday night once she had her first diarrhea accident in her sleep. She has had at least 2 accidents a day this week. She has these episodes 3-5 times a day. She's in tears going to the bathroom now. I couldn't continue the medicine as of right now. Another side effect to the medicine that Savannah just happened to get was the increase in appetite. I could not get her out of the kitchen or to stop asking for more once her plate was clean. The doctor was surprised how many side effects she had to this medicine. Now I am back to square one once again.

Now its turned on me. What did I do or what is in her environment that is making her sick? Am I feeding her something that she isn't tolerating? Am I using a product in my home that is building up and making her sick? Did I give her a vaccine that triggered something in her to cause this reaction? Your mind goes to all avenues when you are out of choices on what to do next. Now we wait. Now we pray for the next step. One day at a time. One step at a time.

Humbled by God

I couldn't be more happy to sit down to write this blog. I just love when God leads you in a direction. He truly is the one that knows what is best for you. I had a very hard time meeting friends outside of our couple neighbors in Cincinnati. Very different from the years prior. In college I was surrounded by friends. When getting married I moved back down to Austin area where all my family was. I was again surrounded by assistance and always had people around me. We were excited to get word that Jeff had finally gotten into the sales aspect of Hormel and we would be moving to Massachusetts. It was something different and a brand new adventure for us. Boston area had a wonderful sales office and that soon became our family. I also got involved in a church where they had a mommy bible study. I met some really great women in that group and still keep up with a couple of them after 2 years. One lady I met there that I still keep up with is Sue. She really shows you what a woman of God looks like. Just typing out woman of God doesn't seem to even begin to describe the beauty within her. The struggles she's been through and yet stands strong on the word of God. Moving to Ohio was a huge eye opener. I struggled to find another group the same as I had in Massachusetts. I had an big problem finding a friend to have play dates with.

I lead with this intro to bring you up to date with moving here. Shortly after the beginning of the year I needed to get groceries one day. It's hard to motivate me to go get groceries. Especially in the winter and with 2 kids. I decided I was going to get up early and get the kids out the door by 8 or 9am to go get groceries so we could get on with our day. Well I got to doing the dishes and little things around the house. Before I knew it, it was 10am. It was time for Carson to take his nap so I scrounged around to find something for lunch. While the kiddos were napping I realized I had no idea what I was going to do for dinner. When the kids woke up I hurried up to get them out the door. I was buzzing around the grocery store concentrating on what I needed to get so I could get home to feed them before the crankiness started due to low bloodsugar. I walked past a mom that had a daughter about the same age as Savannah and she was dressed very nicely. I walked past and went down the next aisle. I felt God pulling on my heart to go tell her she looks nice today. I tried to explain to God that I had rushed out of the house so I had no make up on, my hair was slicked back in a pony tail from cleaning, and my clothing had food remains from kids throughout the day. He insisted that he did not care and to tell her that she looked nice. I made my way back to her and tapped on her shoulder. Talk about God bringing me out of my comfort zone. I am not a brave soul that will just go up and say hi to someone. We talked and exchanged numbers. Texting back and forth that night I discovered that their family were Packer fans, her daughter was just about to turn 2, and she had been asking God to bring a Christian friend into her life. Just short of 2 weeks later, she lost her daycare provider. I am now her daycare provider and love having Ella here everyday. Savannah loves having a buddy to play with everyday. Becky is quickly becoming an amazing friend. Her husband Eric came over to help Jeff put in the windows. Something that Jeff in no way would have been able to do on his own. We are so grateful to know this family and feel so blessed.

Listen to God. You never know where his heart will lead you. If I would have went grocery shopping in the morning like I had planned, I would have never met this family.

Walking and words

This new year has brought about so many changes in the Raiders household. The basement is one step closer to being finished as the framing is almost done and there's now windows in there. I can literally see the light at the end of the tunnel. To move from a house that had double the finished square feet it has been interesting with toys and furniture. We will alas make it through this hurdle in life and laugh at the silly things that we stressed about.

Savannah is now a potty trained girl. I honestly thought I would be sending that girl to Kindergarten in diapers. She wanted Elmo and that was the end of the argument. Last Monday we awoke to her realization Elmo was gone. I told her that all her diapers were thrown away and panties were now the new thing. We had about a 50% success rate and I cleaned up a few accidents in public. By Friday last week we were going in public and rarely an accident. The only accidents she has now is when she has water before bed and wakes up at 3am. She just can't make it to the bathroom quite in time. I went back and forth whether I should give her water before bed. She has a cough and runny nose so figured an accident is better than a water deprived sick girl. As long as when she crawls in bed with me in the middle of the night, I don't wake up with a puddle I'm ok.

Carson is a walker and is potty trained. (Just kidding) But in all seriousness he is starting to walk. He every once in a while lets go of the furniture and I catch him giggling away as he waddles to the next object. It's hard to believe at this age Savannah was just learning to crawl and he's learning to walk. He's been crawling around the house for the past 4 months. He is such a chattery little guy. He is never quiet except when he is sleeping.

Carson is also now growing again. Before Christmas we increased the dosage of his medicine for acid reflux only to have a reaction to it. The doctor claims that to not be the cause of it but nothing else changed in his lifestyle and he had no other "virus" symptoms. We stopped the medicine and gradually the hives went away. He has almost completely stopped spitting up. I do clean up about 1-2 messes a day but thats a lot different than the 1-2 every 15 minutes. He went from 19.1 lbs at Thanksgiving to now at his check up on Tuesday he's 22.4 lbs. He has also grown 2 inches in that time. Leaps and bounds for a guy that hasn't grown in 6 months. His 12-18 month summer clothes I have been buying him may fit after all. He has also been switched to formula for now. He gave up breastfeeding all on his own. I wanted to nurse him until March at least but he said starting this year that he was done. He would scream every time I sat down to nurse him but as soon as I handed him a bottle he would suck it down. That was a very hard week for me. Not sure if we are going to have more kids or not so that may be the end of my nursing days. I long to have another baby some day but we will see where our hearts are lead. For now we are satisfied and happy with the two wonderful children we have.

Savannah is now doing puzzles for age 3 and up. She requests that we sit down with her and do her farm puzzle. When my dad and brother came for Christmas that was the first time I had brought her puzzle out. A dear friend of mine got it for Savannah when she was 3 weeks old and I've been anticipating the day I could bring it out. Now almost a month later, she can almost do her 36 piece puzzle by herself. She loves to do her ABC's and counting but has no interest in learning colors right now. She has picked up an array of words this past month too. She is starting to repeat and remember things we tell her (or don't say to her but she overhears). She requests 2 eggs or pancakes in the morning. It's not just eggs but TWO eggs. These are such fun ages. Carson beginning to walk and Savannah discovering new words.

Carson also can now say mama! Score for me as Savannah didn't say mama until 18 months. He's definitely a mama's boy. :)

Another appointment, no results

Today I sat in a waiting room and for the first time I felt helplessness and hopelessness. I thought for certain that one day I would figure out the reason behind Savannah's vomiting episodes but instead I realized that I sat amongst a room full of just the same. They were children of all ages that had similar yet varying symptoms and struggling to find answers still. I felt like the 18 year old version of myself. The teenager who went in for test after test while struggling with unexplained weight loss and severe stomach aches. Enough to alter my lifestyle. I never ate after a certain time. Usually it was around 6:30 or 7pm I wouldn't eat anymore. I struggled with the emotional effects of people calling me anorexic or bulimic. I was brought back to the time when "everything was in my head". Thats the only explanation to what was going on. The other explanation was irritable bowel which is a diagnosis handed out like bottled water nowadays also. When the patient isn't happy with the results slap the IBS diagnosis. At least we gave them something. For some unexplained reason I stopped 95% of the episodes by marrying Jeff. Figure that one out!

After our 2.5 hour wait and listening to a doctor say that Carson is going to grow out of this, I still was frustrated with that answer. Savannah had moved onto reorganizing chairs turning my patience and frustration to a new level where I struggled to understand the doctor but had to try hearing him over the screeching of chairs moving. Can you blame her though?! She had used up every ounce of patience as well. I stood holding an irritable baby with a doctor telling me that you just got to wait it out. I felt like the crazy mom. I was worrying about my child that hadn't grown ANY in 6+ months. I had the doctor telling me that he just grew really fast the first 4 months and is now plataeuing. Really?! I'm a concerned mother that just isn't buying that. It is NOT normal for a child to not have grown even an inch in 6 months in the second half of his first year. It is not normal for a child to be fluctuating from 19.1 lbs to 18.8 lbs every 3 months. Does he "look" healthy? Yes. I'm looking to be proactive and not reactive. I don't want to get to 15 months and still no change. At that time he wouldn't be on the charts. I could very well be wrong. I could very well be the overactive mother. I think anyone would be doing the same thing if they were in my shoes. You would most likely be questioning why your child hasn't grown.

What changed in Carson? I have no idea. I don't recognize this baby anymore. It all started at 6 months. Something in him switched and it seems with each passing month it gradually is becoming more bothersome to him. Before leaving for MN/WI in August, Carson was sleeping through the night. He maybe woke up once per night per week but other than that he was the happiest baby. I could lay him in his crib and he would chatter himself to sleep. It had been like that since 4 months or May. I was delighted to have a baby that was so differing from my earlier years with Savannah. Jeff and I would comment about how much things had changed from the first time around. We were thrilled/blessed to finally been given a baby we could really enjoy. Ever since middle of September when we came back from vacation he has been more irritable. He doesn't sleep through the night. He does the opposite of everything he used to do. He still does smile and chat up a storm. I used to wake to a baby in the monitor talking to his mobile animals. Now I wake to a screaming child and I can't get to him fast enough. Some days its not just fussing but screaming. If he wakes up in the middle of the night,  which is most nights now, he used to nurse then go right back down. Now he just screams when I lay him back down while arching his back.

Today I realized that I'm among a group of moms that fear the next time their child is going to vomit. They are always wondering when the next time is coming in the back of their head. I used to think I was the only one who was thinking that. For example, I'm thinking about going to the library tomorrow. I'm hoping for a good night and that she doesn't wake up vomiting. That's all thats on my mind. We missed going to the zoo last Monday on the  3rd because she woke up the night prior with one of her spells. I could actually sense it coming on. I can't even tell you how I knew for sure. If I don't know how I knew for sure, how am I going to explain that to the doctor. He will probably say she is just picking up viruses. *sigh* Only God knows what exactly is going on in these little people's bodies. He made them to his liking in his image.

A "happy spitter" or a "scrawny screamer"

Carson has also been classified as a "happy spitter". When he was younger he would spit up and when people would make comments about it, I would just respond with the old phrase 'thats Carson.' At his 4 month check up he was 19.1 lbs and 27 inches. At his 6 month check up he was 18.8 lbs and 27 inches. I figured the weight loss was due to being a roller now. He rolled, crawled, and furniture walk months before his sister did. At his 9 month check up he was 19.1 lbs and 27 inches. I hadn't read through his baby book to remind myself of his last check ups but that number sounded awfully familiar. With the move, we didn't have his weight records as they do not fax that information. If we wanted any records besides immunizations we would have to get them printed off and pay for them ourselves. I just did my best to go through Carson's previous 9 months of life with what I had in his baby book. I hadn't found his 4 month record sheet so I didn't have that with me when I went for his well child.

When filling in Grandparents and other people about Carson's 9 month stats there was something that wasn't sitting right when I kept saying he hadn't grown for a few months. I couldn't remember the exact amount of months it had been. I was thinking since 4 months but didn't have the hard evidence in front of me and since the doctors didn't have his growth chart she just said we will watch it till a year. I mentioned that at 9 months he was still spitting up quite a bit so the doctor did decide to put him on a different acid reflux medicine since the Ranindine (Zantac) wasn't cutting it. We were now put on Prevacid and to give it to him once a day. The spitting up got better for about a day then we were right back at square one. Actually maybe square negative 2. I only gave him 5 doses hoping that it would get better with each dose. Jeff finally made the comment to me after listening to a screaming baby crawling after me everywhere in the kitchen "is it just me, or is he spitting up more?" Sometimes it takes someone on the outside to really shine a light. I was busy making excuses and trying to follow what the doctor was prescribing. Jeff made that comment on Tuesday so I decided I needed to call up my Aunt Rose for further investigation. My head was spinning at what to do and IF this really was acid reflux. After talking with her and throwing around a couple diagnosis's I decided I needed to get him into the pediatrician again to have a further look. Something just wasn't clicking.

I called at exactly 9:01am (one minute after the clinic opened) and the person before me had just taken the last appointment for the pediatrician we had seen prior. She gave me an appointment with another pediatrician and little did I know that it would be one of the best mistakes that would happen thus far. The nurses put him on a table where they take stats before going into the room. I asked if they needed me to undress him for the weight. They said no since they had just taken it on Friday, 5 days prior. I looked down at the scale that read 19.1 lbs and my heart sank. I turned to them and said we need a weight. He's lost weight since Friday. His true weight was 18.8 lbs. He had lost 6 ozs in 5 days. I felt so terrible as a mom that I had given him so much of that medicine. It WAS making him worse. When the doctor looked at the weights that I had written down she said something wasn't right.

 

 

Finally we were going to get some answers. She thoroughly examined him to realize he was "filled". His stomach and intestines were full. An x-ray also confirmed that. When returning to the room after the x-ray another doctor examined him to see if our current doctor was coming up with the same idea. We were scheduled for another x-ray at Children's Hospital for the following morning to watch him digest his food. They wanted to be assured that he had no blockages in the path causing him to reflux all the food and not absorb it.

 

I felt like such a bad mom for not realizing that he doesn't wet his diapers as much as Savannah. I just kept telling myself that he will eventually stop spitting up not even realizing that Savannah had stopped long before him. I was telling myself that all babies grow at different rates. I think people were telling me that to make me feel better about his size. I used to pray for the children at the Children's Hospital hoping that I would never have to go there. We are now the one's asking for prayers. We got in for an Ultrasound on Tuesday to reassure again that there is no blockages. The following Wednesday the 19th we go back to his pediatrician to check weight and do bloodwork to check his levels. I have videotaped him now with what a brief normal morning with Carson is. Hoping to use that to show that he is indeed throwing up all his food gradually throughout the morning. I have tried giving him littler amounts of food at shorter periods of time. I will give him a half of banana then wait for him to digest them before giving him more. It doesn't matter the amount of food.

 

I didn't want to believe people when they told me he had acid reflux. Savannah had colic and acid reflux. She still gained weight. There had to be more with Carson than just acid reflux. I did not know that his was just a more severe case. They call these babies "scrawny screamers." He is still happy when he spits up most days but his lack of thriving and wetting diapers puts him in a more severe case. He will be fasting again on Monday night/early Tuesday morning for his test on Tuesday morning. Please pray that this fasting will go better than this past Wednesdays fasting. I was up at 3:30 with a baby that wanted to nurse and a breastfeeding mom holding him. We watched Baby Einstein and took a bath. He finally gave up at 5:30am only for my alarm to go off at 6am to get ready to head to Children's. I'm exhausted after this week of Savannah throwing up on Sunday night, Carson waking up multiple times from his reflux, and my own thoughts/worries. The diarrhea virus made its way through our house this week. God only gives me how much I can handle. I hope he can see that I've got plenty on my plate right now. A little comparison below of what Carson looked like 5 months ago at the same weight and height. A little less chubbiness.

 

Carson at 4 months: 

 

Carson at 9.5 months:

 

Closet Eater

Now that Carson is eating table food and Savannah is realizing that mommy's food is always better, I'm almost certain I will certainly be turning into a closet eater. I sat down to have breakfast yesterday. Savannah had just finished eating her bowl of cereal then she realized that I had a toaster strudel. Her eyes lit up and she quickly grabbed a plate to put it by the toaster. There went half of my breakfast. I sat down at the table to enjoy the other half when Carson squeals insisting he wants some. There went my other half. I tried to make another one and eat it as fast as I could but both kids whined the entire time while I enjoyed my now little breakfast.

Today concluded to be the same way. Savannah had just finished eating her cereal AND toaster strudel when she saw me making eggs for breakfast. She decided that she wanted eggs too. I listened to the consist whining while I gobbled down my breakfast burrito.

It brought me to remember this part in a very popular film. I can imagine Carson (when he starts talking) and Savannah both standing under my feet repeating these exact words.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-3e0EkvIEM

9 months

Carson turned 9 months old today. I don't know where the time has gone but it has been a great experience having 2 children. Challenging? Yes to say the least but certainly rewarding. I couldn't help but think that when Savannah turned 9 months we were on our way to Massachusetts for our first move of many throughout her life. I remember sitting down in my new house 22 hours from everything I knew and crying when she turned 10 months because for the first I realized she wasn't going to have a birthday party with all her family singing happy birthday to her. Carson will turn ONE in just a few short months and it doesn't bother me nearly as much as it did with Savannah. Maybe this time I'm more prepared as we have been gone from "home" for 2 years coming up this winter.

Jeff and I have been married for 4 years coming up in January. It feels like just yesterday I was being walked down the aisle. Here we are a much stronger couple and more in love with each other each day. We have moved to 4 different states and moved 6 times in those 4 years. We have flipped our first house and moved across country. Two things I never imagined myself doing. If you know me, I like to shop and stay clean. (something I don't manage to do with 2 children now :) ) Usually someone finds me to either spit up or share their dirty hands (with whatever that child has been in). I am so lucky that someone likes to share so much with me. Aww life is so wonderful.

What does Carson do at 9 months? He weighs about 19 lbs and is 28 inches. He loves crawl around the house following me wherever I may go. He enjoys pulling himself up to let go and stand. He is great at blowing bubbles and annoying his sister. He says dada. I tried to ask him to say mama and he just smiled at me. Jeff asked him to say dada and he proudly said it. (traitor) He sleeps through the night consistently. He does wake up every now and then but usually if I just let him fuss a little he puts himself back to sleep. He is still in his infant car seat which is a huge change from his sister who was out of hers by 4 months. He is just starting to fill out the 6-12 month clothes. He can still wear 6 month Carters clothes though. Everyone says he looks like Jeff. He mainly eats whatever we are eating just chopped up. He has 2 teeth and more coming in. He is drawn to remotes and telephones/cell phones. He is our little prince charming.