Three's company or Three's a crowd?

This comes as such a surprise that I am in the position I am now. In June, Jeff and I discussed our future of paying off the car and student loan debt. We wanted to start fresh when we are again transferred to MN. We figured out a plan that was doable. A month later, I am sitting in the bathroom looking at a positive pregnancy test and crying. This was not in the plan. This was not how I planned my summer going. Jeff assured me that everything would be alright. It still didn't stop me from waking up at 2am for a few days panicking about the thought of THREE kids under 4. I have TWO hands. I have a car for TWO kids. We have a house with 3 bedrooms. One for us and one for each of the children. Where would the baby go? We feel financially secure with TWO kids. What happens when one gets the stomach flu? Are they all going to start puking at the same time? Who will ever watch THREE children so I can have some me time or go to appts?

I know all those things will work there own way out but it's all still a very overwhelming thought. We have told people that number 3 is coming and I have heard many of the same responses... oh boy are you going to have your hands full! Or one of my favorites...are you crazy? Both of these responses leaving me more defeated than built up. I was really looking forward to a summer of swimming, outdoor activities, and zoo trips. When you are pregnant this constant cloud of nausea and fatigue hang over your head for about 8 weeks. This past few weeks I feel guilty for not being as excited about a baby and bad that I can't give my kids all the experiences I had in mind. I am having a hard time keeping up with meals, errands, the house, and the kids. It takes everything I have to be the proper wife and mother each day. Each day I know I leave people disappointed by not getting something they need done.

I know the excitement of the next addition will come in time. Once I feel those first kicks and listen to the baby's heartbeat for the first time all those emotions will come rushing back to pure happiness. Just the selfish part of me that was loving the fact that I could finally leave my kids with a sitter without worrying about pumping or if the baby would wake up in the middle of the night or the part of me that loves ME time once the kids go to bed fighting with every ounce to stay up just 5 more minutes so I could enjoy some quiet time is having a hard time with being pregnant once again.  I can't wait until September 4th when I have my first appt. By then all my energy should be back and I can finally look at a meal without feeling nauseous. Until then could someone cook for me and come clean my house :) I want a nap :)