Today I sat in a waiting room and for the first time I felt helplessness and hopelessness. I thought for certain that one day I would figure out the reason behind Savannah's vomiting episodes but instead I realized that I sat amongst a room full of just the same. They were children of all ages that had similar yet varying symptoms and struggling to find answers still. I felt like the 18 year old version of myself. The teenager who went in for test after test while struggling with unexplained weight loss and severe stomach aches. Enough to alter my lifestyle. I never ate after a certain time. Usually it was around 6:30 or 7pm I wouldn't eat anymore. I struggled with the emotional effects of people calling me anorexic or bulimic. I was brought back to the time when "everything was in my head". Thats the only explanation to what was going on. The other explanation was irritable bowel which is a diagnosis handed out like bottled water nowadays also. When the patient isn't happy with the results slap the IBS diagnosis. At least we gave them something. For some unexplained reason I stopped 95% of the episodes by marrying Jeff. Figure that one out!
After our 2.5 hour wait and listening to a doctor say that Carson is going to grow out of this, I still was frustrated with that answer. Savannah had moved onto reorganizing chairs turning my patience and frustration to a new level where I struggled to understand the doctor but had to try hearing him over the screeching of chairs moving. Can you blame her though?! She had used up every ounce of patience as well. I stood holding an irritable baby with a doctor telling me that you just got to wait it out. I felt like the crazy mom. I was worrying about my child that hadn't grown ANY in 6+ months. I had the doctor telling me that he just grew really fast the first 4 months and is now plataeuing. Really?! I'm a concerned mother that just isn't buying that. It is NOT normal for a child to not have grown even an inch in 6 months in the second half of his first year. It is not normal for a child to be fluctuating from 19.1 lbs to 18.8 lbs every 3 months. Does he "look" healthy? Yes. I'm looking to be proactive and not reactive. I don't want to get to 15 months and still no change. At that time he wouldn't be on the charts. I could very well be wrong. I could very well be the overactive mother. I think anyone would be doing the same thing if they were in my shoes. You would most likely be questioning why your child hasn't grown.
What changed in Carson? I have no idea. I don't recognize this baby anymore. It all started at 6 months. Something in him switched and it seems with each passing month it gradually is becoming more bothersome to him. Before leaving for MN/WI in August, Carson was sleeping through the night. He maybe woke up once per night per week but other than that he was the happiest baby. I could lay him in his crib and he would chatter himself to sleep. It had been like that since 4 months or May. I was delighted to have a baby that was so differing from my earlier years with Savannah. Jeff and I would comment about how much things had changed from the first time around. We were thrilled/blessed to finally been given a baby we could really enjoy. Ever since middle of September when we came back from vacation he has been more irritable. He doesn't sleep through the night. He does the opposite of everything he used to do. He still does smile and chat up a storm. I used to wake to a baby in the monitor talking to his mobile animals. Now I wake to a screaming child and I can't get to him fast enough. Some days its not just fussing but screaming. If he wakes up in the middle of the night, which is most nights now, he used to nurse then go right back down. Now he just screams when I lay him back down while arching his back.
Today I realized that I'm among a group of moms that fear the next time their child is going to vomit. They are always wondering when the next time is coming in the back of their head. I used to think I was the only one who was thinking that. For example, I'm thinking about going to the library tomorrow. I'm hoping for a good night and that she doesn't wake up vomiting. That's all thats on my mind. We missed going to the zoo last Monday on the 3rd because she woke up the night prior with one of her spells. I could actually sense it coming on. I can't even tell you how I knew for sure. If I don't know how I knew for sure, how am I going to explain that to the doctor. He will probably say she is just picking up viruses. *sigh* Only God knows what exactly is going on in these little people's bodies. He made them to his liking in his image.
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