Final Thoughts Towards The End of 3rd Pregnancy

My head is full of mixed emotions right now. If I can't hold a conversation with you, that is why. I can't remember what day it is sometimes or the last time I ate. My mind is on the overwhelming thought of 3 children in the very near future.

Some days I feel like I want to be pregnant for at least another 3 or so months. I'm really not prepared to juggle 3 kids. I'm not prepared to give up Carson as being the baby of the family. I'm somewhat comfortable and this baby doesn't get me up all hours of the night to use the bathroom unlike the other two. I know what to expect with labor and recovery afterwards. I know the reset of emotions your body goes through a week or so after you have a baby. There is no manual on raising a child let alone juggling 2 or more. I will most likely never see a baby of mine on an ultrasound or listen to a heartbeat every 4 weeks. I will most likely never see a positive on a pregnancy test again and feel my heart leap for joy. Its coming to the end of being pregnant and this stage in my life.

Then there's the other side. She can come out RIGHT NOW!! My belly is hanging so low that I feel like I have a "roll" that goes over my pants. I am uncomfortable at times. I am very anxious to meet her sweet face. I can't wait to dress her in her adorable outfits I have been picking out for the past few months. I want to see Carson and Savannah's reaction to meeting the next member of our family. I'm ready to share her name and give her an identity other than baby girl Raiders.

Right now, the grass is not greener on either side. I am stuck on the fence. 37 weeks comes on Monday. I delivered Savannah and Carson at 38.5 weeks. I know the time is ticking so I'm trying to soak up both sides regardless of the outcome. Oh by the way, I'm almost halfway to the finish line as well. So far I'm sitting at 4cms. I could sit that way for weeks or tonight could be it. She's healthy right now whichever path she chooses. I will just have to be ready.

17 week check up

Friday is almost here. I have my "16 week" really 17 week check up. This is the appointment I have been dreading for the past 4 weeks. I have done tons of research, pondering, and asking friends on this subject that will be discussed at my check up on Friday. It has been recommended to me to get progesterone shots throughout the pregnancy. They are wanting to prevent me from going on bed rest and to keep the baby in as long as possible. It's one of those decisions I feel that I am going to wonder if I did the right thing the entire pregnancy. If I don't get it and go into labor early with a premature baby am I going to kick myself for not doing all I could do to prevent it? If I get future side effects from getting these extra hormones injected into my body, am I going to regret even doing the shots "just in case"? I know what my answer will be on Friday but its still hard not to stress about the "what ifs".

Fit for the job

This week was hard. I'm not going to lie. As a mom, Satan doesn't forget about us and wears us down at times. A mother's job is more strenuous some weeks than others. The devil finds this as a perfect opportunity to ride in stealing your joy.

It's funny how when a mom makes a comment about how she is struggling in a certain area the first words out of people's mouths isn't ones of encouragement but ones of "you need to appreciate the life you were given." I have heard this line used not only towards me but to other people "some people can't have children or this time goes fast so enjoy every moment." Enjoy every moment.... doesn't that seem like such a far fetched achievement. Even for motherhood! The sleepless nights do pass. The toddler following you around every footstep does pass. It passes too quickly. I am 28 years old and been a mother for 3 years now. I still look at pictures of Savannah as a baby when we first were in the hospital feeling like it was yesterday. I don't need someone telling me that time goes fast because I'm living it myself.

Mom's need a place to vent out their frustrations as well. I remember working (yes it was only 6 short months) but I remember it nevertheless as a time to love my job BUT I also came to work some weeks feeling utterly defeated by a certain client. I would talk among my peers for suggestions and encouragement. I don't ever remember someone telling me to appreciate the fact I had a job and to deal with it. A job is a blessing. A job in a field that I loved working at. This is my new calling. This is my new job. It fills me with immense happiness. There are still those days or weeks or months where I struggle not to cry over the spilled milk on the floor or cleaning up the Mr. Potato Head pieces for the 5th time that day. You wonder if its making a difference at all.

What hurts the most is when other mother's are the ones that make these comments. As sisters in Christ, we are to build one another up. If you see someone struggling, you build them up with scripture, with praise, and compassion. You show them grace knowing you too have days of heartache. It works for parents as well. We are all in this crazy journey together that is really REALLY difficult. You are completely responsible for the life of this person and that is a big task to take on without support.

Second Trimester

Please tell me that my kids are not the only ones who bring random stuff all around the house. Tonight I spend a good amount of my time returning things to their rightful places. There is two of them so keeping an eye on what each one takes is getting to be more and more of a challenge. I had ABC fridge magnets in about 3 different rooms of the house. Savannah decided to leave her bath towel in the middle of the living room because that's where she decided to get dressed. I walked into her room to find that she had taken every pair of pj's out of the drawer to find the perfect outfit. While doing that Carson decided to find a glass of water left in his reach to spill all over. I have been doing lots and lots of looking on google on how to survive 3 kids under 3. I can't keep up with 2 so I can't imagine when I have even more man power against me.

Jeff and I had a very exciting appointment on Friday. We got to see how baby "we most likely know the sex of the baby already but are waiting to tell everyone at 20 weeks" looked in black and white on tv. We heard a beautiful strong heartbeat of 150 beats. Baby posed for the U/S tech and we got great, clear pictures. She said she had a pretty good guess at what baby was appearing to be already based on how well baby was laying that day. We got to meet our doctor that will hopefully deliver our baby and were very pleased with the decision we made on our doctor. She was very open to decisions we wanted to make based on personal preference and we didn't feel pushed into anything.

I am finally starting to feel back to my regular self and growing more each week in the tummy area. I'm getting slightly bigger quicker with this time around. With fall approaching, we have a very busy schedule so its nice to know that fatigue and nausea are hopefully a thing of the past. Looking forward to slightly cooler weather. I feel like a furnace with all this extra blood flow and hormones in my system. I may actually get to catch up with friends with a phone call during nap time over taking a nap myself :)

Three's company or Three's a crowd?

This comes as such a surprise that I am in the position I am now. In June, Jeff and I discussed our future of paying off the car and student loan debt. We wanted to start fresh when we are again transferred to MN. We figured out a plan that was doable. A month later, I am sitting in the bathroom looking at a positive pregnancy test and crying. This was not in the plan. This was not how I planned my summer going. Jeff assured me that everything would be alright. It still didn't stop me from waking up at 2am for a few days panicking about the thought of THREE kids under 4. I have TWO hands. I have a car for TWO kids. We have a house with 3 bedrooms. One for us and one for each of the children. Where would the baby go? We feel financially secure with TWO kids. What happens when one gets the stomach flu? Are they all going to start puking at the same time? Who will ever watch THREE children so I can have some me time or go to appts?

I know all those things will work there own way out but it's all still a very overwhelming thought. We have told people that number 3 is coming and I have heard many of the same responses... oh boy are you going to have your hands full! Or one of my favorites...are you crazy? Both of these responses leaving me more defeated than built up. I was really looking forward to a summer of swimming, outdoor activities, and zoo trips. When you are pregnant this constant cloud of nausea and fatigue hang over your head for about 8 weeks. This past few weeks I feel guilty for not being as excited about a baby and bad that I can't give my kids all the experiences I had in mind. I am having a hard time keeping up with meals, errands, the house, and the kids. It takes everything I have to be the proper wife and mother each day. Each day I know I leave people disappointed by not getting something they need done.

I know the excitement of the next addition will come in time. Once I feel those first kicks and listen to the baby's heartbeat for the first time all those emotions will come rushing back to pure happiness. Just the selfish part of me that was loving the fact that I could finally leave my kids with a sitter without worrying about pumping or if the baby would wake up in the middle of the night or the part of me that loves ME time once the kids go to bed fighting with every ounce to stay up just 5 more minutes so I could enjoy some quiet time is having a hard time with being pregnant once again.  I can't wait until September 4th when I have my first appt. By then all my energy should be back and I can finally look at a meal without feeling nauseous. Until then could someone cook for me and come clean my house :) I want a nap :)

Update on Savannah

Do I dare jump for joy or am I too early for a celebration? I am silently in my heart thanking God that Savannah has not had one of her vomiting spells since March! A couple of weeks ago she complained right before bed that her tummy hurt and she started moaning. I knew she meant business when she went to grab her puke bucket. I asked her if she needed her medicine for her tummy. She said yes. So to the cabinet for Zofran we went and she rested comfortably for the remainder of the night.

That all happened on Wednesday night. On Thursday she had matter built up in her eyes so right away my mind went to that we had pink eye. It was too late in the day to make her a doctor appointment. I decided to wait it out until Friday. On Friday she woke up with clear eyes. Just a little sleep matter. I kept a close watch on her eyes all day to see if they would do anything. She was outside playing and running around as if nothing was bothering her. At 3:30 she told me that she wanted to go lay down. Its very common lately for her to want to lay down at this time for an hour or so before dinner. I could only hear her screaming at the top of her lungs. I went into her room to see her grabbing her ear and screaming that it hurt. Quickly called the doctor to see if I was in any luck of getting an appointment on a Friday an hour before they closed. They told me to hurry in. I drug my screaming 3 year old to the doctor, into the room where we waited for 30 minutes (seemed like hours), and to be examined. She had a full blown ear infection. Now the doctor had me thinking. "Is Savannah's vomiting episodes coming from ear infections that don't develop into much more than an ear aches?" She had no other symptoms. The doctor found this strange because she wasn't coughing, running a fever, or having any type of nasal drainage. It just makes a mama wonder.....

These past 2 months have been emotional on me personally. I have been neglecting my tooth hygiene. After college and 2 kids, my mouth went downhill pretty quickly. I felt better when the dentist explained it this way. Some people can eat whatever they want and not gain a pound like you. Other people can eat whatever they want and brush their teeth once a day and never get a cavity in their life. Everyone has weaknesses. This is my weakness. The beginning of this year one of my back molars actually broke off from an old filling and years of grinding my teeth. I had it pulled out on Monday after it started bothering me. I feel as if I lost a part of myself. I turn 28 in 10 days and was not prepared for this at all. I figured I was years away from this happening. I know lots of people live through it but I was naive thinking it wouldn't happen to me. I have one more back molar that needs to come out before it starts causing problems as well. I just keep thinking, that's what I get for putting myself on the back burner. I felt so silly crying in the dentist chair after they left the room once I got my shot of Novocaine. I'm just always so busy that I rarely have time to sit and dwell on these things. It all comes at once when I'm left to think about these types of things. I'm a mom and I'm supposed to be strong in other people's eyes. I break down just like any other human. I'm hoping that adding the mouthwash to my routine twice a day will keep me from dealing with any of these happenings in the future. I'm also going to be getting a retainer to prevent any further damage to my teeth from my grinding. I must work really hard at my grinding my teeth at night because my previous dentist said he had never seen teeth so wore down. First time I had ever heard that in my life.

That's a little update from the past couple months. We are off to the zoo tomorrow to enjoy some outdoor time outside of the house. Looking forward to seeing how they react to all the animals and various activities.

A weary heart

I haven't posted an update on Savannah in a while. I have only been posting bits and pieces on facebook of things that have been happening with her. My heart is heavy with hurt for her. I don't know how to help her. Until this phase in life is done, I will be spending a lot of time praying and researching.

Savannah threw up 3 times in February. She has thrown up 2 times in March. I remember breathing a sigh of relief when February 1st came because the first thing that crossed my mind was we made it through all of January without vomiting. After dealing with this now not every 6-9 weeks but now every 2-3 weeks, I decided it was time to take action. This has gone on now for 18 months. Enough is enough. The pediatrician, I felt, was very thorough in examining Savannah's stomach and prompting me with questions. She took note of everything I had logged of the past 18 months. She agreed that something wasn't right. She explained how frustrating it is to know this is happening and they are too young to tell us what exactly is hurting. She suggested trying a prescription they prescribe for kids with stomach migraines. She explained to me that it may make her sleepy so to give it to her at night. That was the only side effect that was worth mentioning as it was the most common one. Savannah's digestive system is finally on the mend after 17 days of diarrhea. I stopped giving her the medicine on Sunday night once she had her first diarrhea accident in her sleep. She has had at least 2 accidents a day this week. She has these episodes 3-5 times a day. She's in tears going to the bathroom now. I couldn't continue the medicine as of right now. Another side effect to the medicine that Savannah just happened to get was the increase in appetite. I could not get her out of the kitchen or to stop asking for more once her plate was clean. The doctor was surprised how many side effects she had to this medicine. Now I am back to square one once again.

Now its turned on me. What did I do or what is in her environment that is making her sick? Am I feeding her something that she isn't tolerating? Am I using a product in my home that is building up and making her sick? Did I give her a vaccine that triggered something in her to cause this reaction? Your mind goes to all avenues when you are out of choices on what to do next. Now we wait. Now we pray for the next step. One day at a time. One step at a time.