Charlotte Jane...the last baby

It was a week after I had found out I was pregnant. Lauren was out of diapers. I didn't want to leave the house but I was forced to when I pulled the last diaper off the pile. I gathered up my emotions as best I could to parade myself and 3 kids into Target. My friend Melissa saw me as I was entering and followed me to the diaper aisle. She gave me a hug and I broke down sobbing. I was good with 3 kids. I finally had accepted that life was good with 3 and moving on was ok. I had grieved the thought of never carrying a child in my womb again. Yet here I was pregnant by a huge surprise. Who wouldn't want to be pregnant?! What kind of mother am I?! I battled thoughts the whole first trimester. I winced at the ultrasound screen at 8 weeks not knowing what it would show. I had this fear in the back of my mind that it would end like the previous pregnancy 6 months ago had ended. I was afraid that one minute I would be getting used to the idea of a 4th and the next moment I would be saying good bye. Jeff was worried about me. I would lay in bed crying most days. I sat in my office chair at 8 weeks after the positive ultrasound and thought about names. I could not come up with any boy names that seemed to fit. One and only one name came to mind when I sat looking at names. This baby was a girl (I felt in my gut) and her name would be Charlotte. It wasn't soon after that, that Lauren started going around saying "Charlotte, oh Charlotte". It fit. Jeff asked me one night what names I had thought of for the baby. He was trying really hard to help me feel better emotionally with the new task of raising 4. He took care of the kids quite a bit while I dealt with my emotions, sickness, and exhaustion. I started finally feeling better around 15 weeks and Jeff surprised me with a gender ultrasound. I just needed to know what the baby was so I could start my nesting. I could start visualizing how things were going to be. It was the perfect gift and what I needed in that moment.

Fast forward to September 20th. I was so worried about induction. I had never had Pitocin before. It was a picture perfect delivery. We got admitted/all set up around 8am. The nurse I was given was a perfect fit for me. God had his hand in that delivery room. He had his hand in that delivery room. I had dilated an extra cm upon admittance but it still wasn't enough to push the head down to break my water. They started Pitocin. I'm very grateful that I could emotionally prepare to do Pitocin and it kept the day positive. They slowly bumped up the Pitocin knowing that I was going to do natural labor. They wanted to give me the most natural process possible. At noon her head was still not far enough down. I had contractions every 2 mins but nothing I could painfully feel. By 1:30, the head still wasn't engaged but she set my head up enough to push the baby down and get the head engaged. I had hard labor for 1 hour. I kept breathing knowing that it would all be over shortly. Jeff rubbed my back the entire hour to help me get through the contractions. When it came time to push, I really didn't want to. This time around I really had to work at pushing her out. Carson and Lauren easily came out. I could feel that this baby was definitely not the 7 and a 1/2 lb babies I usually birth. This one hurt. I remember after the third push, asking if her head was out yet. Jeff said "almost". I laughed and said "that wasn't the correct answer". When she finally came out and they laid her on my chest all I remember saying is "she's huge". They could not believe that a 9 lb baby had fit into my small belly.

It's been a little over a week. I can't get enough of the snuggles. I can't get enough of the little newborn squeeks. She's a perfect fit for our family. I can't imagine life without her now. My head knows that there's no more babies for our family. That chapter in my life has come to an end. 6 years of raising "babies" is coming to an end. My heart would love more. My body can't take anymore pregnancies. This one was the easiest to recover from but the hardest 9 months to grow a baby. I had so many pregnancy symptoms this time around that I didn't have with the other 3. It's time to enjoy this last little miracle. I will have friends who will have babies that I can love on. I will have a sister and sister in law that will have more to love on. In time, my heart will catch up with my head. For now, you can find me sitting in a chair sniffing her head and wiping tears from my eyes knowing she's extra special. She was the bonus surprise in life that I didn't know I wanted. Praise Jesus for knowing better than me or Jeff.

Saying good-bye is never easy

November 9th, 2012 was the day we closed on our home here in Sellersburg. It's almost been exactly 2 years. Where did that time go? I remember Jeff coming home to tell me that we were moving to Kentucky. I thought who would ever want to move to Kentucky?! We found the perfect house after dragging our realtor around all day looking at houses. That poor guy had major ear pain that day too. None of them quite felt like home until we drove through the Yorktown neighborhood. This neighborhood has been filled with countless friends and good times. Jeff, the kids, and I have enjoyed walking the streets of our development. I never imagined my life would be as great as it is here when I was first told those words 2 years ago.

Another 30 days from now we will be watching our lives get packed up from our perfect home in Sellersburg. I will back out of that driveway and drive to our new home in Illinois. I'm not good with change. You would think by now that I would be but I'm still not. I know why I'm moving and I know that I am being the best wife I can be by supporting my husband with his career endeavors. It still does not make leaving the wonderful friendships we've made here any easier to leave. This is the house I found out we were expecting our "surprise". This is the house that we brought her home in. This is the first house that Savannah actually is realizing is our house. She knows we live by a blue water tower.

I went on bed rest with Lauren at 31 weeks pregnant. I had neighbors, friends from church, and family all checking in to make sure that I was taken care of. They supported me to make sure that I could do everything possible to carry a baby to term. I had a wonderful friend Carrie who set up a meal train for me and took my kids a couple times without hesitating. Our house sits 2 doors down from an elderly couple. They moved 17 times in their life so far. They also have 3 kids of their own and she knows my heart. She knows the emotions I'm going through. I have my best friend here. I can walk or drive 3 doors down to find a friend for Carson to play with. He loves his buddy Landon. We won't be having our daily grilled cheese sandwiches and joking about how our 2 year olds are driving us crazy. Friendship and laughter really is the best medicine to make it through the toddler stage.

There's so many great adventures that are awaiting us in Illinois. I know that in my head. My heart still wants to stay in Sellersburg. All of you have made it such a welcoming place to be. I will miss each and every one of you. Please pray for our family. Pray for a smooth transition. Pray for friendships to be made in our new area and that we will be able to get connected there. Pray that my nerves will be calm with all the changes happening in the next 4-8 weeks.

Encouragement for moms

Dear Moms,

I clenched my phone deciding whether I wanted to make that phone call. My thoughts went to she's probably really busy. She doesn't have time. I will probably just be bothering her while she has other things to do. Instead on the other side of the conversation, I heard gratitude and excitement. It was a phone call that led to a play date. It was a time to get our kids together to let their imaginations run wild while we enjoyed adult conversation. Why had I been so hesitant to call? Why are we all so hesitant to stop by one another's houses? Why do we sit at home in isolation when we could be so much happier sitting in one another's company? Our houses are always clean enough for two little girls to have a tea party. Our kitchen table is always big enough to welcome a conversation over your favorite beverage.

I want to encourage you to reach out to other moms. They are probably just as lonely as you are some days. They are probably hoping someone will come knock on their door to enjoy someone's company. It takes a village. Go out and see what the world holds with all the friendships ready to be made. Go knock on someone's door and make their day by just saying hi. You never know where it will take you.

Happy 3 months

We have adjusted (for the most part) to being a larger family. Most days I feel I have this mom of 3 status down pat. I even think in the back of my mind that I could throw one more in the mix and I would survive. The days of Lauren's PICU stay and almost losing her scare is fading from my mind slowly as each day. She has a sun-kissed look about her now as we have spent many days out in the sun already.

Savannah and Carson have adjusted to her this past month. Carson LOVES being around baby Lauren. Its a great thing but a not so great thing. As I'm nursing her he is trying to climb on top of me to cuddle. I'm using  one arm to hold her and the other arm to push Carson away/save Lauren from being squished. I have to keep an extra close eye on her when she's on the floor because Carson sees her as a race track. He likes to zoom his cars up and down her then giggle. Lauren does not find the humor in it as much.

Savannah is at such a fun age now. She likes to explain the world to me and I can't help but laugh at some of the things she comes up with. She's into expressing herself and very dramatically I might add. It was 4:00 yesterday and she was starving. I said to her that she needed to wait for dinner to be done. In a dramatic state she says "mommy my tummy hurts from being sooo hungry. It makes me sad. When I get sad it makes me cry. Mommy do you want to make me cry?" Ok child a theatre role may be in your future. She starts preschool August 11th. I remember when she was born that the days seemed to go by so slowly. I wanted her to walk and that seemed like it was going to be forever away and I had plenty of time to enjoy her. In reality, the days are slow but the years go by so quickly. She's potty trained, walked, and talking my ear off. Soon she will put on her backpack and wave good bye to me to enter school. I only have 2 more years of her being at home most of the days. I'm going to enjoy them while I can.

Carson is 2. Enough said! He talks but not everything is audible. I can get the gist of what he is saying. He throws tantrums. He has these dark brown eyes that look at you and you can't help but melt. He is a toddler trying to embrace his independence and his mean parents won't let him. Like strapping him down in the stroller so he doesn't run into the street. How unkind of us  ;)

Thats all I have time to write today. Savannah is pulling me away, begging to play a game. How could I possibly say no?!

Between a rock and a hard place

This vaccine debate and posting articles on facebook regarding vaccines is enough to break my heart. I have stopped vaccinating my kids a year ago. I had a really bad feeling every time I brought them to the doctor and I had to hold my child down to get them injected. I didn't know why I had this feeling but slowly this past year it has become clearer to me. The more research I have done, the more I kick myself for not looking into these things sooner.

I'm not sure if you remember but Savannah used to have vomiting spells. She would throw up for a day for no reason at all. We went to countless doctors to get first opinions, then second opinions, then to a GI doctor. It all led to dead ends and driving home in tears wondering what I was going to do with my sick child. I missed out on fun things because my child was sick. Carson also failed to gain weight after 4 months. He spit up so much and also went to doctors to check everything out. Everything checked out great and he was diagnosed with acid reflux. He was put on medicine at birth but I only gave it to him for a few weeks as I wasn't noticing a difference at that time. When he was put back on it around month 10, he had an allergic reaction to it once the dose was doubled (doubled because he weighed more). I had 2 very sick kids.

I decided to stop vaccinating and do some research after I read an article where a certain individual didn't understand why their newborn needed a Hep B vaccine. The chance of your child catching Hep B is so extremely rare. I started questioning how many other ones weren't necessary for a child so young. Especially for my kids who aren't in daycare. I came upon people talking about their children throwing up after a vaccine. I all of a sudden had a realization that this could be the cause of all our troubles. This was a reaction to something I was doing to them.

I should have done better. I should have read the ingredient list. I never realized that vaccines are also made from aborted fetal tissue. As a christian, I do not believe in abortions. That's a whole other debate but thats my personal belief. I feel I am encouraging abortion by vaccinating my child.

To have my case proven is just impossible. I am having the most impossible time finding a doctor that will take us because we do not vaccinate. We are judged and it doesn't matter the reason. I feel I am doing what I need to do to protect my children from longer suffering. A mother's intuition is usually right on. I've been right about a lot of other things. So why do I write this? I want my story out there and to hopefully not be judged further for not vaccinating my kids. I don't want to be looked at like I am a crazy person for even thinking this. Before you judge me or think I'm crazy, do your own research. We have a higher chance of being in a car accident than catching a deadly disease. All I have to do now days is mention I don't vaccinate and people tell me what a horrible mom I am. I am not a horrible mom.

Savannah hasn't had a single vomiting spell in a year. :)

Officially family of five

18 days ago we became a family of 5. 18 days ago we welcomed our third child into the world. We could not be happier and didn't realize what we were missing until 18 days ago.

Last May our family was complete. We set out to clear some clutter from our garage, house, and attic for the garage sale season. The first week in June we decided to sell our infant car seat along with a few other bigger toys you use for the first year. Carson had outgrown them and I couldn't stand the thought of storing them only to have them damaged in some way or expire. We were happy with our family of 4. July 11th changed all of that.

I had went out with a friend that day for lunch at McDonalds with all our kids. We set off after that to go shopping. I wasn't feeling the greatest that day. I felt off and on nauseous. I normally am very healthy now and am over most of my own stomach issues. Something inside told me that I should just stop by Target on my way home to pick up a pregnancy test to make certain that wasn't the reason I was feeling this way. I stood in the bathroom just shocked at what the test showed. I felt a whole snowball of emotions.  I certainly wasn't ready for this new challenge.

9 months flew by and Lauren made her way into the world just like I had planned. (well for the most part) Jeff had to travel down to Tennessee when I hit my 37 week mark. He made certain before he left that I was to call him immediately if I was feeling even an ounce of discomfort or a single contraction. He was suppose to be gone from Monday through Friday. Thursday at 2pm I started having contractions. They were only coming every 5 minutes with stronger ones every 15 minutes. Same as I had felt when I was 31 weeks pregnant. The other times I had gone through this, they tended to stop after 5-6 hours of doing this. Jeff called to check in at 4. I had no idea what to tell him as I wasn't sure if they were just false alarm contractions and hated to have him come home only to have them stop when he arrived.

He decided to head home instead of making his next departure to Knoxville for the night. I had my bag packed and was really hoping I wouldn't just get sent home once again. Jeff arrived home at 10:15 and we made our way to the hospital. At this hospital you have to go through the ER to get admitted to Labor and Delivery. The lady at the front desk smiled and said "I know why you are here." I guess I couldn't hide that fact any longer. They took my blood pressure only to realize that I had blood pressure of 160/115. They decided to try again. Still not much of a change. Once I got up to my room it had went down to 130/105. Still not what they wanted to see. It continued to get back to my regular blood pressure until I stood up to do anything. Even sitting wasn't getting it to a "good" level. My doctor came in to check on me the next morning and was not happy with what my blood pressure was doing. She decided to make a judgment call. She wanted to get the baby delivered (which I had already dilated another cm from admittance through the night). She would rather take the chance of the baby having some breathing problems at 37 weeks vs me getting preeclampsia. She came in at 12:20pm to get the show on the road. I had progressed another cm at that point. I was already going into labor on my own, she was just helping the process along by breaking my water.

I was assigned a nurse who had given birth naturally before. I did not realize how much of a help that was until the process was all over. She was a great support and let me labor however I felt the need to. I walked the halls for the first hour thinking this was going to be the fastest labor out of all of them. I was able to get in the tub to realize some of the pain with warm water. My nurse and Jeff were great support systems to help keep my body relaxed. At 3pm I asked for an epidural but was told it was too late for it. My heart sank a little thinking I had missed my window of opportunity. I had fully intended on going natural as Carson's hard labor amount was 45 minutes and I was going on one hour. It seems so silly now but at that time seconds feel like hours. at 3:25 I started pushing. I didn't even let anyone know as I was focused on one task. The nurse quickly figured out what was going on and told me she was going to call the doctor. The doctor ran over from her office across the street just in time. She was there to catch the baby with one glove on and the nurse put the other one on to catch the shoulders. Lauren Elizabeth was born in 2 minutes. She was placed on my chest for skin to skin for an hour. We let everyone know she was here. We didn't know stats of the baby until an hour after she was born. It was the sweetest hour and the greatest gift. I held my reward for sleepless nights, constant bathroom breaks, and pushing her out. She was beyond healthy. She was very pink and was a very good weight. No breathing issues. I wanted a March baby but we missed the cutoff by 6.5 hours. I have two February babies now.

My eyes are open now. Lauren was exactly what we needed in our family. We function better as a family of 5 over a family of 4. Jeff and I are a team now. There is no "you take one and I'll take the other." No man to man coverage. We are outnumbered and abundantly loved by THREE! God knew that Lauren was a child we needed even though we didn't realize we needed her. Jeff is an amazing dad to his two girls and son. Carson loves yelling "daddy!" and running to give him a hug when he comes home. Savannah thinks daddy builds the best lego stairs and airplanes. Lauren loves her daddy snuggles on the couch. We are blessed by our three children Savannah, Carson and Lauren.

With the third baby, sleepless nights don't bother me so much. I love snuggling a baby since its only a short time. Dishes will get done eventually. With Savannah, I felt like I rushed to fill the first year. I wanted her to sleep through the night and wanted it to happen RIGHT NOW. I wanted her to learn how to crawl and walk as soon as she could. I'm very patient and relaxed as a mom the third time around. All things happen when they are suppose to. No need to rush for our children to grow up as they do fast enough. Savannah will turn 4 in 7 weeks. She will start preschool in the fall and my time with her is going to be limited year by year.

The Third Time Around

This time around I am not anxious for a baby's arrival. I am not googling techniques on how to induce labor as I know that labor will eventually start when she is ready to arrive. I know that each day that passes, is one less day that I will have with just dividing my attention between 2 children. I know that each day that passes, makes her a stronger person for the outside world. I may be uncomfortable and ready for her arrival. I think that is God's purpose though. I think its a chance for a woman to be ready for birth and to let go of being pregnant. I have enjoyed these last 9 months of pregnancy. I have enjoyed feeling her move and listening to her heartbeat. I am ready to meet her once she is ready to meet us.

I am going on walks. I am using my exercise ball. I am doing these things to help prepare me for labor this time around. I am not using them as a way to get her out. Although I do joke with Jeff when he asks if I need anything and my response is, "the only thing I need is a baby out." All in good time she will. Just try to lighten the mood a bit as my mood is not the greatest right now. I'm hoping with popping out a baby, it pops out a new attitude.

Next appointment is this Friday if I don't go into labor before then.